The Top Five Boozes to Relegate to the Well - With Their Suitable Replacements -

1. Jim Beam
- Replace With -
Fighting Cock

Face the truth my friend, if you drink Beam you probably aren't too terribly interested in flavor. You probably mix this in the coke bottle as you dash to catch the bus to frat parties so you don't show up sober. After all, swill beer tastes best with a bourbon back. So why not spend $2.00 more per 750mL and put some real kick in your face? Fighting Cock is surprisingly palatable, mixes better, and sets you up for all sorts of double entendre when you serve it to the 19 year old Kappa you're trying to de-pants.

2. Makers Mark ? Year
- Replace With -
Eagle Rare 10 year

I grow weary of Makers Mark's reign as the staple bourbon in America's cabinetry. I have a long storied history with Makers Mark, it was the first beverage I ever had a loooong night with and it was the first booze I decided had no place in my bloodstream (unless given to me for free). The taste is average, let's face it. It is bottled in a 100% subjective manner, as it is removed from the barrels when a group of certified "tasters" all agree that it tastes good enough to be sold. Which, I promise you, is whatever date perfectly optimizes the demand for that month with their available product.

A growing crowd uses it to make Manhattans, something which is the death knell of drinking booze for its flavor, like making a rusty nail out of a particular scotch tacitly admits you don't care what scotch you use (J&B works well). Eagle Rare (for the same cost) provides a rich bourbon full of vanilla oaky flavor. It never gets old, works best when served neat, and makes you feel like an American because its got eagles all over it.

3. Jack Daniels
- Replace With -
Rhum Barbancourt or Weller

Jesus H Christ am I sick with our love affair with Jack. It's prevalent, it's the standard mixer bourbon, everyone sounds real hard saying Jack and Diet, and no one seems to notice that Jack Daniels has systematically lowered its proof in the past years by adding more and more water.

Let's cut the shit, people that drink Jack drink it for one of three reasons

I) Brought up to think that anything other than Jack, when mixed with coke, will detonate
II) Thinks that chicks will think he is hard from drinking Jack neat
III) Enjoys Hangovers

For these three people I have three solutions:

I) Drink Rhum Barbancourt, it is magically delicious and let's face it, you weren't drinking Jack and Cokes because you like the taste of bourbon.
II) Drink Weller. Comparable cost and is the Swiss army knife of bourbon. Wont melt face.
III) Drink Absinthe. Much more enjoyable the night of, similar experience the next day.

4. All of your Gin that isn't Seagrams
- Replace with -
Seagrams

Dear me, another sad truth. The day of the gin martini is finished. In its stead march a deadly array of substitutes, all of which profess a distinct lack of gin. Don't get me wrong, I love gin, but it seems like the only drink that steadfastly refuses to yield to choclatini's and Makers Mark Manhattans is the gin 'n tonic.

Sure, there may be some stubborn Churchill-style martini drinkers and a few ambiguous singapore slingers, but the gin aisle has shrank to nothing much more than the original standards. It certainly cannot keep pace with the marketing diarrhea coming from the vodka aisle. So do yourself a favor, don't waste your money on more expensive gins to make your summer standard gin and tonic. You simply cannot notice the difference, quinine is too powerful a taste to allow anything other than a nuclear bomb of flavor (tequila) through.

5. Aftershock
- Replace with -
Axe to face