On Shape-ups...

I come forward from my repose awakened by an ancient evil. Deep within the pits of Hades arises a shade so desperately woeful that I have a moral obligation to shake America by the spine until it awakens from its stupor. True, threats of a similar nature pervade our daily life constantly, they leap upon us when we are most vulnerable, after a terrible workout or shortly after binging on spareribs. But none are as disgusting as this. I present to you, the skechers shape up.

What.

The.

Fuck.

As usual, the shape up promises you the world. Turn you into Ed Coan it will, with a million abs just like that fag from New Moon. Here are the actual "major" health benefits...

• More toned and strengthened leg, back, buttock and abdominal muscles


• Reduced body fat


• Improved circulation, aerobic conditioning and exercise tolerance


• Improved posture, relieving muscle tension and back/joint problems

Ok...those are some pretty lofty claims Dr. Skecher, but then again I could probably say the same thing about beating my dick, except for the improved posture. But holy shitballs, they say this crap is backed up by clinical studies! Now I'm no big fan of clinical studies, mostly because the ones that are connected to fitness are still trying to wrap their heads around why diets high in protein lead to increased muscle mass, but shit, if these guys got it lets see it.

"Four clinical studies in the US and Japan show that Shape-ups increase muscle activity and energy consumption over standard fitness shoes!"

Ahh...increase. Hell, if I wear a tight t shirt to the gym I'll probably get increased muscle activity just trying to peel that fucker off my massive chest all the time. Increased energy consumption? So does drinking ice water vice room temp water. Doesn’t mean shit. Where is the reduced body fat, improved circulation, massive flactoids, and decreased HDL levels?

"*These independent case studies were commissioned by SKECHERS. Results may vary from person to person. For the greatest results, walking in Shape-ups should be combined with a proper diet and regular exercise regimen."

BIN-FUCKING-GO. Combined with proper diet and regular exercise jabbing yourself in the goddamn eyeball will do wonders for your fat ass BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EATING DONUTS AND WORKING OUT. Seriously, fuck these shoes.

But hey, that’s just bullshit right? Savvy American consumers can see through the slap-chop of this and decide that rounded sole shoes aren't going to remove their ski-slope and tankass, right?

"These Shape-ups help me get a good walking workout without killing my knees or shins. They have amazing cushioning and the rolling motion minimizes the impact on my joints."

"They are really comfortable and give my legs a good workout. Friends have noticed that they improve my posture."

"Best athletic shoes I have ever worn... I recommend these shoes to anyone who wants to tighten up their legs and butt."

Well fuck it, right? Maybe I should let fat people have their 110 dollars rounded sole bullshit excuse for why they are still fat. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that running wind sprints for 10 minutes in 30 dollar bobo adidums will burn an order of magnitude more fat than you ever do on your evening walks in these wretched marketing abortions.