Yes, I just ordered six eggs and no I'm not worried about my cholesterol. I imagine this meal doesn't exactly jive with your food pyramid logic, no doubt the fact that I'm missing my 8 servings of white bread for breakfast is causing severe cognitive dissonance. Yes, I do eat a lot of protein and no I'm not worried about damage to my kidneys. They're doing just fine, except for tonight, when 18 miller lite's are going to give them a hell of a workout. Yeah man, I don’t have a beer gut because I exercise some...By your strange bench type motions and steely gaze I suppose your asking me if I lift heavy things, yeah man...totally, it’s a lot of fun.
What do I rep? What the fuck does that mean? Oh I get it, you are trying to size me up and figure out how strong I am...uh, I just got 365 on bench last week, pretty happy about tha...Oh I see, you're launching into a story about...what is this? Ah yes, back in high school you benched 8320 for 10 reps. Nice. Too bad you're fat now.
What is this now? You want workout advice? Sure man, I like to help people discover how strong they can be. First you want to look into some complex multi-joi....oh, you didn’t REALLY want advice, you just wanted an excuse to explain to me how much you do on the leg extension machine. Nice. I can see it has really translated to an Atlas-like physique. Your knee hurts? No WAI! Might I suggest doing squats rather than leg extensions so you don't try and cannonade your patella into space? What's that? You used to do squats but you hurt your back 18 years ago shoveling snow? Well I suppose it doesn’t matter that much as long as you eat right, I've noticed that you seem to be a carbmonster, and judging from your overall fatbody I've reached the conclusion that you are not an ultramarathon runner. So I guess what I'm getting at is where's the beef?
Oh I see, you eat this donutwich for breakfast then you starve yourself for 11 hours until dinner, when you have something halfway decent. You should really keep your metabolism go....oh right, again you didn’t want advice, you just wanted an excuse to tell me about how awesome fish oil is. Yeah, right, got it. Heard the story. Nope, doesn’t seem to be stopping you, you're still telling me about how great it is for your skin. That's good I suppose, because you sure have a lot of it. Ok, this conversation is wearing on me, time to freak you the fuck out so I can eat my cold eggs.
"Yeah I drink fish oil right from the bottle but sometimes when I throw up after widowmakers the fish vomit makes me vomit again and then my dog comes up and eats it but that’s ok because dogs are dogs right?"
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
On Shape-ups...
I come forward from my repose awakened by an ancient evil. Deep within the pits of Hades arises a shade so desperately woeful that I have a moral obligation to shake America by the spine until it awakens from its stupor. True, threats of a similar nature pervade our daily life constantly, they leap upon us when we are most vulnerable, after a terrible workout or shortly after binging on spareribs. But none are as disgusting as this. I present to you, the skechers shape up.
"Four clinical studies in the US and Japan show that Shape-ups increase muscle activity and energy consumption over standard fitness shoes!"
Ahh...increase. Hell, if I wear a tight t shirt to the gym I'll probably get increased muscle activity just trying to peel that fucker off my massive chest all the time. Increased energy consumption? So does drinking ice water vice room temp water. Doesn’t mean shit. Where is the reduced body fat, improved circulation, massive flactoids, and decreased HDL levels?
"*These independent case studies were commissioned by SKECHERS. Results may vary from person to person. For the greatest results, walking in Shape-ups should be combined with a proper diet and regular exercise regimen."
BIN-FUCKING-GO. Combined with proper diet and regular exercise jabbing yourself in the goddamn eyeball will do wonders for your fat ass BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EATING DONUTS AND WORKING OUT. Seriously, fuck these shoes.
But hey, that’s just bullshit right? Savvy American consumers can see through the slap-chop of this and decide that rounded sole shoes aren't going to remove their ski-slope and tankass, right?
"These Shape-ups help me get a good walking workout without killing my knees or shins. They have amazing cushioning and the rolling motion minimizes the impact on my joints."
"They are really comfortable and give my legs a good workout. Friends have noticed that they improve my posture."
"Best athletic shoes I have ever worn... I recommend these shoes to anyone who wants to tighten up their legs and butt."
What.
The.
Fuck.
As usual, the shape up promises you the world. Turn you into Ed Coan it will, with a million abs just like that fag from New Moon. Here are the actual "major" health benefits...
- More toned and strengthened leg, back, buttock and abdominal muscles
- Reduced body fat
- Improved circulation, aerobic conditioning and exercise tolerance
- Improved posture, relieving muscle tension and back/joint problems
"Four clinical studies in the US and Japan show that Shape-ups increase muscle activity and energy consumption over standard fitness shoes!"
Ahh...increase. Hell, if I wear a tight t shirt to the gym I'll probably get increased muscle activity just trying to peel that fucker off my massive chest all the time. Increased energy consumption? So does drinking ice water vice room temp water. Doesn’t mean shit. Where is the reduced body fat, improved circulation, massive flactoids, and decreased HDL levels?
"*These independent case studies were commissioned by SKECHERS. Results may vary from person to person. For the greatest results, walking in Shape-ups should be combined with a proper diet and regular exercise regimen."
BIN-FUCKING-GO. Combined with proper diet and regular exercise jabbing yourself in the goddamn eyeball will do wonders for your fat ass BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EATING DONUTS AND WORKING OUT. Seriously, fuck these shoes.
But hey, that’s just bullshit right? Savvy American consumers can see through the slap-chop of this and decide that rounded sole shoes aren't going to remove their ski-slope and tankass, right?
"These Shape-ups help me get a good walking workout without killing my knees or shins. They have amazing cushioning and the rolling motion minimizes the impact on my joints."
"They are really comfortable and give my legs a good workout. Friends have noticed that they improve my posture."
"Best athletic shoes I have ever worn... I recommend these shoes to anyone who wants to tighten up their legs and butt."
Well fuck it, right? Maybe I should let fat people have their 110 dollars rounded sole bullshit excuse for why they are still fat. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that running wind sprints for 10 minutes in 30 dollar bobo adidums will burn an order of magnitude more fat than you ever do on your evening walks in these wretched marketing abortions.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I'm Back Bitchez
Ok. So its been a long time. But rather than bore the non-existent readership with tales of new things in the bourblogger's life I figure I'll just pick up where I left off. With my dear friends asking me for lifting advice when I am hardly qualified to answer.
Fortier has returned to the weight room, and he writes:
Yo. Any reason I can't add a third bench press day to my 5x5 routine, modeled after the middle light squat day? I really want to get bigger there, and I know it's only been 3 weeks, but after my heavy squat day and my escalating bench yesterday, only my legs are sore today. Also, first shipment from True Protein due tomorrow. About 3 shakes/day on workout days, 2 on average on nonworkout days. I find they ruin my appetite for real food, though.
Artist's depiction of Fortier
I know you want to get a bigger chest, but you cant apply the same methodology to bench as you do squat. When you squat, you bring in your hip flexors, quads, hamstrings, posterior chain, erector spinae, and a host of other smaller muscles. The squat is a motion that responds well to consistent stimulus simply because there is so much to recruit, the average trainee will rarely overtrain. Smolov method will have you squatting up to 4 times per week and nearly every workout spends considerable volume above 90% 1RM. Smolov makes gigantic Russians that give me night terrors.
Bench is a glorified elbow extension. Bench alone is not key to a bigger chest. There is no squat for the chest (although some argue it may be weighted dips). You can bench 4 times a week using all sorts of rep schemes and rest intervals but you are just going to end up overtrained and with a burnt out CNS. Pendlay wants you to train overhead press or incline bench on that second workout because delt development is the crucial lynch pin to benching more weight, and benching more weight will eventually give you a bigger chest.
Long before I finally figured out how to lift properly I always used to get people that would come to me and whine about how their progress in flat had stymied at 225, and they hadnt progressed in weight in years. I used to then ask them what they did to train shoulders and I usually got, "Eh, I don't know, I do a few sets of raises and upright rows on my bicep day." FUCK YOU GUY. How are you supposed to bench heavy when the heaviest stimulation your shoulders see is 3 sets of 8 side raises with 25 lbs with godfuckingawful form?
Do your shoulders you fucker! Fall in love with shoulders! make sweet love to the olympic bar as you press that bitch into the sky. Makes you look like a man! I suspect you want to do three days of bench because you are shitty at shoulder press, and that should be the fucking LIGHT OF GOD telling you that that's what you need to focus on.
And stop being a pussy about shakes destroying your will to eat. Getting big muscles is about eating when you're hungry, eating when you aren't hungry, eating while you are sleeping, eating while you are taking a shit. LOTS AND LOTS OF EATING FOOOOOOOOD.
just time your carbs right :0
On another note, Smegma Von Grundle is going to deadlift 3 wheels tonight so let's all keep his lower back in our prayers.
Fortier has returned to the weight room, and he writes:
Yo. Any reason I can't add a third bench press day to my 5x5 routine, modeled after the middle light squat day? I really want to get bigger there, and I know it's only been 3 weeks, but after my heavy squat day and my escalating bench yesterday, only my legs are sore today. Also, first shipment from True Protein due tomorrow. About 3 shakes/day on workout days, 2 on average on nonworkout days. I find they ruin my appetite for real food, though.
Artist's depiction of Fortier
I know you want to get a bigger chest, but you cant apply the same methodology to bench as you do squat. When you squat, you bring in your hip flexors, quads, hamstrings, posterior chain, erector spinae, and a host of other smaller muscles. The squat is a motion that responds well to consistent stimulus simply because there is so much to recruit, the average trainee will rarely overtrain. Smolov method will have you squatting up to 4 times per week and nearly every workout spends considerable volume above 90% 1RM. Smolov makes gigantic Russians that give me night terrors.
Bench is a glorified elbow extension. Bench alone is not key to a bigger chest. There is no squat for the chest (although some argue it may be weighted dips). You can bench 4 times a week using all sorts of rep schemes and rest intervals but you are just going to end up overtrained and with a burnt out CNS. Pendlay wants you to train overhead press or incline bench on that second workout because delt development is the crucial lynch pin to benching more weight, and benching more weight will eventually give you a bigger chest.
Long before I finally figured out how to lift properly I always used to get people that would come to me and whine about how their progress in flat had stymied at 225, and they hadnt progressed in weight in years. I used to then ask them what they did to train shoulders and I usually got, "Eh, I don't know, I do a few sets of raises and upright rows on my bicep day." FUCK YOU GUY. How are you supposed to bench heavy when the heaviest stimulation your shoulders see is 3 sets of 8 side raises with 25 lbs with godfuckingawful form?
Do your shoulders you fucker! Fall in love with shoulders! make sweet love to the olympic bar as you press that bitch into the sky. Makes you look like a man! I suspect you want to do three days of bench because you are shitty at shoulder press, and that should be the fucking LIGHT OF GOD telling you that that's what you need to focus on.
And stop being a pussy about shakes destroying your will to eat. Getting big muscles is about eating when you're hungry, eating when you aren't hungry, eating while you are sleeping, eating while you are taking a shit. LOTS AND LOTS OF EATING FOOOOOOOOD.
just time your carbs right :0
On another note, Smegma Von Grundle is going to deadlift 3 wheels tonight so let's all keep his lower back in our prayers.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Foxfield, A Timeline
O dark thirty: Alarm , Zoids showers and decides purple will be flamboyant color of choice.
O dark thirty-six: Completely ready. Mrs. Zoids spends next 20 minutes re-packing her titanic suitcase. We will be out of town for maybe 36 hours.
7:30am: Arrive at Jericho Kane's to pick him and his girlfriend up.
7:40am: Departure
8:30am: Stop 1
9:10am: Stop 2
9:40am: Stop 3
10:10am: We hit "the line" on Barracks Road perhaps 2 miles from the gate. Not bad. Spirits are high, bladders are higher even though we stopped. Three times.
10:30am: Gates are apparently open, although you wouldn't guess that from our non existent pace.
10:50am: Mrs. Zoids informs us that her mission is critical, so to speak. A girl in the SUV behind us decides that her mission is even more critical, and proceeds to take pee against her own car, in the open, in front of a giant line of cars, and before anyone really drinking starts. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi.
11:40am: Everyone in the car is ready to explode out of anger, Mrs. Zoids has died from renal failure, and I have ripped the roof off the car and flung it across the road like a frisbee.
11:56am: Bloody Mary
12:02pm: 1st Masonic
12:08pm - 4:18pm: Time Travel
4:19pm: Hurricane Katrina Arrives at Foxfield
5:32pm: Jericho becomes man-zombie for the rest of the evening, only waking to eat an entire fucking pizza before slipping back into the darkness.
5:38pm-9:04pm: Time travel
9:15pm: Aforementioned pizza
Then it became Sunday. Probably through time travel again.
Anyway, the drink of choice was the Masonic, something Zoids became familiar with at the hip and overpriced yet still enjoyable restaurant Liberty Tavern. With a structure similar to a mint julep, it's a fine bourbon beverage that has the all important trait of being able to sustain its piquant nature through the day. We had to make up the ratio, so our recipe is reproduced below:
2 parts water
2 parts bourbon
Juice of 1/2 squeezed lemon
Mint
Jar
Now, contrary to Jericho Kane, the recipe calls for still water, though you can substitutes soda water for extra zing. Take the bourbon, mint, and lemon juice and muddle it together in shaker. Depending on the carbonation of your water, either shake with some ice, or shake with the water and ice.
Serve into jar, consume 12, and time travel.
O dark thirty-six: Completely ready. Mrs. Zoids spends next 20 minutes re-packing her titanic suitcase. We will be out of town for maybe 36 hours.
7:30am: Arrive at Jericho Kane's to pick him and his girlfriend up.
7:40am: Departure
8:30am: Stop 1
9:10am: Stop 2
9:40am: Stop 3
10:10am: We hit "the line" on Barracks Road perhaps 2 miles from the gate. Not bad. Spirits are high, bladders are higher even though we stopped. Three times.
10:30am: Gates are apparently open, although you wouldn't guess that from our non existent pace.
10:50am: Mrs. Zoids informs us that her mission is critical, so to speak. A girl in the SUV behind us decides that her mission is even more critical, and proceeds to take pee against her own car, in the open, in front of a giant line of cars, and before anyone really drinking starts. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi.
11:40am: Everyone in the car is ready to explode out of anger, Mrs. Zoids has died from renal failure, and I have ripped the roof off the car and flung it across the road like a frisbee.
11:56am: Bloody Mary
12:02pm: 1st Masonic
12:08pm - 4:18pm: Time Travel
4:19pm: Hurricane Katrina Arrives at Foxfield
5:32pm: Jericho becomes man-zombie for the rest of the evening, only waking to eat an entire fucking pizza before slipping back into the darkness.
5:38pm-9:04pm: Time travel
9:15pm: Aforementioned pizza
Then it became Sunday. Probably through time travel again.
Anyway, the drink of choice was the Masonic, something Zoids became familiar with at the hip and overpriced yet still enjoyable restaurant Liberty Tavern. With a structure similar to a mint julep, it's a fine bourbon beverage that has the all important trait of being able to sustain its piquant nature through the day. We had to make up the ratio, so our recipe is reproduced below:
2 parts water
2 parts bourbon
Juice of 1/2 squeezed lemon
Mint
Jar
Now, contrary to Jericho Kane, the recipe calls for still water, though you can substitutes soda water for extra zing. Take the bourbon, mint, and lemon juice and muddle it together in shaker. Depending on the carbonation of your water, either shake with some ice, or shake with the water and ice.
Serve into jar, consume 12, and time travel.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Holy Crap, Readership Hits Five!
Word spread through the old fraternity network that Zoids apparently spends all his time complaining about bleeding hearts and deadlifting. Though Zoid's activities encompass many things other than weightlifting, take liftweighting for example, Zoid is perfectly happy with the rest of humanity considering me as an angry federalist/objectivist ape.
On to the substance! My dear college associate Smegma Von Grundle (actual name) heigh hos me for a solid routine and purports that he has up to five (5!) days to commit to the gym. This makes my heart explode with joy, too often people come to Zoids asking for a 2 day workout that will turn them into Ed Coan.
The product of 2 training days per week
On to the substance! My dear college associate Smegma Von Grundle (actual name) heigh hos me for a solid routine and purports that he has up to five (5!) days to commit to the gym. This makes my heart explode with joy, too often people come to Zoids asking for a 2 day workout that will turn them into Ed Coan.
The product of 2 training days per weekVon Grundle wanted a routine to do in a shitty gym, and so the Shitty Gym Dumbbell Workout ((C) Adam Goldberg 2008) was born. A lot of this may seem repetitive...but hey, fuck you buddy.
I can imagine the place Grundle is forced to exercise and I shudder because it's probably nothing more than a lot of machines and a paltry assortment of dumbbells. Regardless, I am positive I can provide a routine that is awesome because I am awesome, and no shitty weight room will stand in the way of iron progress.
Anyway, the key to your workout will be to use those dumbbells as much as possible. Machines blow, I don't want Grundle to use any machines if at all possible. The key to getting strong is, and always has been, "maximum strain." I harp about this constantly, whatever exercise puts the largest amount of your body into the largest amount of peak strain is the best exercise. I like to use the chinups vs. pullups debate to elucidate this maxim. People can usually chin a lot more than they pullup, but the consensus has always been that this is because you use more of your biceps when you do a chin and therefore you aren't working out your lats as much (which is the goal of the movement). This is clearly fallacious reasoning because when you chin more weight, you are placing your entire chain of muscles from your lats to your forearms into a larger amount of strain. The more you tear your muscles, the more they grow. Biceps will always be the weak muscle in that chain, so why wouldn't you perform the exercise that allows them to hang on the longest? Your biceps are certainly not stronger than your lats, so fears over training your biceps more in an exercise that primarily involve the lats are completely misguided and nonsensical.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling. With 5 days, Grundle can get a very balanced workout. I don't really know anything about his body type so I'll give him a good solid general template that is sure to work. I just want to mention a few things before I go into the details. First, I hope he is eating well. By eating well, I just mean eating a lot of protein. It is absolutely imperative that Grundle consumes at least 1 gram per lb of body weight. This goes before anything else. I suggest several scoops of whey per day. Also, I know his goal is "general fitness," which may preclude some cardio, but always bear in mind that cardio is the arch enemy of muscle growth. It is possible to get totally ripped and never touch hisrunning shoes, it just requires a fairly strict diet. So he can add cardio to this routine if he must, but remember that a real tough weight workout burns more calories than a 5 mile run, and runner bodies are gross.
THE SHITTY GYM DUMBBELL WORKOUT (C) Adam Goldberg 2008
Day 1 Legs, Abs
Day 2 Chest, Back
Day 3 Shoulders, Arms
Day 4 Crossfit, Abs
Day 5 Chest, Back
Day 6 Boozing
Day 7 Xbox
Seem repetitive? It's supposed to be. Train the biggest muscles the most, little ones will be forced to catch up, you don't necessarily need to train them every day to achieve the same goal. I can't help but mercilessly mock guys in the gym who curl endlessly for an hour 3 times a week in a desperate bid to increase their arms. Remember, its all about PEAK strain to the LARGEST amount of your body. Want to train your arms? deadlift. There are no men who deadlift 600 lbs with small biceps!
Anyway, the key to getting strong is and always has been constant punishment of the legs. As the largest muscle group in your body (by far), training your legs stimulates ridiculous testosterone production which helps out all of your muscles. Find me a guy who can't get strong on bench and I'll show you guy who doesn't squat. However, we have a problem, and that is Grundle's shitty gym has no squat rack. He can make do, but this really blows. Even though there is no rack, he shouldn't touch the goddamn machines. Use dumbbells. Sure, you'll probably be limited by your grip, but hey, his grip will get stronger. Also, Grundle can bend nails.
Grundle mentioned taking the weekend off, and I don't blame him However, I'd urge him to maybe stick one day off in the middle of this routine. It's pretty intense and his body may need the rest.
Day 1 Legs, Abs
1) Dumbbell Lunges, 4 sets of 6 (6 per leg). Make sure to keep the trunk erect and lower yourself until your knee almost touches the ground
2) Dumbbell Stiff leg or Romanian deadlift, 4 sets of 10. Check the interwebs for a definition of these lifts, then just use dumbbells
3) Incline sit up, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can do. Let the grip recover here, and don't do reps! You don't need to do endless crunches to get strong abs. The key is weight!
4) Dumbbell Squat, 4 sets of 6. Heavy weight. Probably going to be grip limited.
5) Roman chair lifts. Hopefully he's got a chair or something you can do these on, otherwise he may have to do gay leg raises. 4 sets of to failure.
Day 2 Chest, Back
1) Dumbbell Bench, 5 sets of 6-8
2) Lat pull down or chins. I don't know if or how many chins he can do, so if he can't do chins use the pull down machine. If hecan, try and get 4 or 5 sets to 1 or 2 reps before failure
3) Dumbbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) Dumbbell Bent over row, 4 sets of 8
Days 3 Shoulders, Arms
1) Standing Dumbbell Press, 4 sets of 8. You have got to do these standing! People will cheat so much if they do them seated, don't lie and say it won't happen. Everyone who does them seated cheats and turns it into an incline press. Do them standing. It's a good balance workout or some shit. Anyway, make sure these are done all the way down. In fact, all these exercises NEED and MUST be done to the limits of your flexibility, which means touch the chest on bench and back, get your ass to the ground in squats, and contract the arms all the way for shoulders. Don't
cheat! Anyone who tells you that this shit will injure you is either a pussy, a liar, a dumbass....or a trainer. Listen to me, those guys are idiots. Do everything as far as comfortable and remember the effort you put in is equal to the results you get out.
2) Seated Incline Curls, 3 sets of 8. I hate curls. they are so useless. But I'll throw in this bone.
3) Dumbbell front raise, 4 sets of 10.
4) Tate press, 4 sets of 10. Do a google search for this one, words fail me in attempting to describe this exercise.
Day 4 Crossfit, Abs
I don't know if our readership has ever heard of crossfit, but basically it's a bunch of crazy weirdos who wave around weights until their hearts explode. I like crossfit because it is essentially a cardio workout for the lifter, and I never have to touch a damn treadmill. Also, some of their shit is so unbelievably hard it will make you see god. Here are a couple things Grundle can do on day 4, scale them up with weights and reps as proficiency comes.
Dumbbell Bear:
Every minute on the minute for 20 minutes perform: 5 dumbbell squats, 5 dumbbell cleans, 5 dumbbell thrusters. Perform this with 50% your bodyweight, but that may be a bit optimistic, I am still at 40% BW and STRUGGLING. So try 25s for the first time around. Good description and video.
-or-
Man-makers:
I'd do a google search to find out what exactly these entail, it's a bit difficult to do so in text. Try 4-6 sets of 25lbs for 6 reps, adjust according to how sick they make you feel.
-then-
2) Incline sit-up - same as day 1
3) Upper abs, you can try something like bosu ball sit ups or my favorite the serratus crunch
sets of 10 with whatever weight you can manage.
Day 5 Chest, Back redux
1) Incline Dumbbell Bench Press, 4 sets of 8
2) Pull down with the opposite grip you did on day 2. If you did pullup, do chins...vice versa.
3) Decline Dummbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) A different row from day 2. 4 sets of 8. If they have a seated cable row, do that, and try and pick a different grip this time (wide).
5) Hyperextensions, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can bear.
Just remember..
1) Don't use machines
2) Eat lots of animals
3) Go deep and use full range of motion on everything
4) Try not to do cardio.
5) Don't ever sacrifice the workout of a larger muscle for a smaller one. For example, don't save yourself on chest so that you can get in a killer curl workout.
6) Fall in love with legs
I can imagine the place Grundle is forced to exercise and I shudder because it's probably nothing more than a lot of machines and a paltry assortment of dumbbells. Regardless, I am positive I can provide a routine that is awesome because I am awesome, and no shitty weight room will stand in the way of iron progress.
Anyway, the key to your workout will be to use those dumbbells as much as possible. Machines blow, I don't want Grundle to use any machines if at all possible. The key to getting strong is, and always has been, "maximum strain." I harp about this constantly, whatever exercise puts the largest amount of your body into the largest amount of peak strain is the best exercise. I like to use the chinups vs. pullups debate to elucidate this maxim. People can usually chin a lot more than they pullup, but the consensus has always been that this is because you use more of your biceps when you do a chin and therefore you aren't working out your lats as much (which is the goal of the movement). This is clearly fallacious reasoning because when you chin more weight, you are placing your entire chain of muscles from your lats to your forearms into a larger amount of strain. The more you tear your muscles, the more they grow. Biceps will always be the weak muscle in that chain, so why wouldn't you perform the exercise that allows them to hang on the longest? Your biceps are certainly not stronger than your lats, so fears over training your biceps more in an exercise that primarily involve the lats are completely misguided and nonsensical.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling. With 5 days, Grundle can get a very balanced workout. I don't really know anything about his body type so I'll give him a good solid general template that is sure to work. I just want to mention a few things before I go into the details. First, I hope he is eating well. By eating well, I just mean eating a lot of protein. It is absolutely imperative that Grundle consumes at least 1 gram per lb of body weight. This goes before anything else. I suggest several scoops of whey per day. Also, I know his goal is "general fitness," which may preclude some cardio, but always bear in mind that cardio is the arch enemy of muscle growth. It is possible to get totally ripped and never touch hisrunning shoes, it just requires a fairly strict diet. So he can add cardio to this routine if he must, but remember that a real tough weight workout burns more calories than a 5 mile run, and runner bodies are gross.
THE SHITTY GYM DUMBBELL WORKOUT (C) Adam Goldberg 2008
Day 1 Legs, Abs
Day 2 Chest, Back
Day 3 Shoulders, Arms
Day 4 Crossfit, Abs
Day 5 Chest, Back
Day 6 Boozing
Day 7 Xbox
Seem repetitive? It's supposed to be. Train the biggest muscles the most, little ones will be forced to catch up, you don't necessarily need to train them every day to achieve the same goal. I can't help but mercilessly mock guys in the gym who curl endlessly for an hour 3 times a week in a desperate bid to increase their arms. Remember, its all about PEAK strain to the LARGEST amount of your body. Want to train your arms? deadlift. There are no men who deadlift 600 lbs with small biceps!
Anyway, the key to getting strong is and always has been constant punishment of the legs. As the largest muscle group in your body (by far), training your legs stimulates ridiculous testosterone production which helps out all of your muscles. Find me a guy who can't get strong on bench and I'll show you guy who doesn't squat. However, we have a problem, and that is Grundle's shitty gym has no squat rack. He can make do, but this really blows. Even though there is no rack, he shouldn't touch the goddamn machines. Use dumbbells. Sure, you'll probably be limited by your grip, but hey, his grip will get stronger. Also, Grundle can bend nails.
Grundle mentioned taking the weekend off, and I don't blame him However, I'd urge him to maybe stick one day off in the middle of this routine. It's pretty intense and his body may need the rest.
Day 1 Legs, Abs
1) Dumbbell Lunges, 4 sets of 6 (6 per leg). Make sure to keep the trunk erect and lower yourself until your knee almost touches the ground
2) Dumbbell Stiff leg or Romanian deadlift, 4 sets of 10. Check the interwebs for a definition of these lifts, then just use dumbbells
3) Incline sit up, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can do. Let the grip recover here, and don't do reps! You don't need to do endless crunches to get strong abs. The key is weight!
4) Dumbbell Squat, 4 sets of 6. Heavy weight. Probably going to be grip limited.
5) Roman chair lifts. Hopefully he's got a chair or something you can do these on, otherwise he may have to do gay leg raises. 4 sets of to failure.
Day 2 Chest, Back
1) Dumbbell Bench, 5 sets of 6-8
2) Lat pull down or chins. I don't know if or how many chins he can do, so if he can't do chins use the pull down machine. If hecan, try and get 4 or 5 sets to 1 or 2 reps before failure
3) Dumbbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) Dumbbell Bent over row, 4 sets of 8
Days 3 Shoulders, Arms
1) Standing Dumbbell Press, 4 sets of 8. You have got to do these standing! People will cheat so much if they do them seated, don't lie and say it won't happen. Everyone who does them seated cheats and turns it into an incline press. Do them standing. It's a good balance workout or some shit. Anyway, make sure these are done all the way down. In fact, all these exercises NEED and MUST be done to the limits of your flexibility, which means touch the chest on bench and back, get your ass to the ground in squats, and contract the arms all the way for shoulders. Don't
cheat! Anyone who tells you that this shit will injure you is either a pussy, a liar, a dumbass....or a trainer. Listen to me, those guys are idiots. Do everything as far as comfortable and remember the effort you put in is equal to the results you get out.
2) Seated Incline Curls, 3 sets of 8. I hate curls. they are so useless. But I'll throw in this bone.
3) Dumbbell front raise, 4 sets of 10.
4) Tate press, 4 sets of 10. Do a google search for this one, words fail me in attempting to describe this exercise.
Day 4 Crossfit, Abs
I don't know if our readership has ever heard of crossfit, but basically it's a bunch of crazy weirdos who wave around weights until their hearts explode. I like crossfit because it is essentially a cardio workout for the lifter, and I never have to touch a damn treadmill. Also, some of their shit is so unbelievably hard it will make you see god. Here are a couple things Grundle can do on day 4, scale them up with weights and reps as proficiency comes.
Dumbbell Bear:
Every minute on the minute for 20 minutes perform: 5 dumbbell squats, 5 dumbbell cleans, 5 dumbbell thrusters. Perform this with 50% your bodyweight, but that may be a bit optimistic, I am still at 40% BW and STRUGGLING. So try 25s for the first time around. Good description and video.
-or-
Man-makers:
I'd do a google search to find out what exactly these entail, it's a bit difficult to do so in text. Try 4-6 sets of 25lbs for 6 reps, adjust according to how sick they make you feel.
-then-
2) Incline sit-up - same as day 1
3) Upper abs, you can try something like bosu ball sit ups or my favorite the serratus crunch
sets of 10 with whatever weight you can manage.
Day 5 Chest, Back redux
1) Incline Dumbbell Bench Press, 4 sets of 8
2) Pull down with the opposite grip you did on day 2. If you did pullup, do chins...vice versa.
3) Decline Dummbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) A different row from day 2. 4 sets of 8. If they have a seated cable row, do that, and try and pick a different grip this time (wide).
5) Hyperextensions, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can bear.
Just remember..
1) Don't use machines
2) Eat lots of animals
3) Go deep and use full range of motion on everything
4) Try not to do cardio.
5) Don't ever sacrifice the workout of a larger muscle for a smaller one. For example, don't save yourself on chest so that you can get in a killer curl workout.
6) Fall in love with legs
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