Holy Crap, Readership Hits Five!

Word spread through the old fraternity network that Zoids apparently spends all his time complaining about bleeding hearts and deadlifting. Though Zoid's activities encompass many things other than weightlifting, take liftweighting for example, Zoid is perfectly happy with the rest of humanity considering me as an angry federalist/objectivist ape.

On to the substance! My dear college associate Smegma Von Grundle (actual name) heigh hos me for a solid routine and purports that he has up to five (5!) days to commit to the gym. This makes my heart explode with joy, too often people come to Zoids asking for a 2 day workout that will turn them into Ed Coan.

The product of 2 training days per week

Von Grundle wanted a routine to do in a shitty gym, and so the Shitty Gym Dumbbell Workout ((C) Adam Goldberg 2008) was born. A lot of this may seem repetitive...but hey, fuck you buddy.

I can imagine the place Grundle is forced to exercise and I shudder because it's probably nothing more than a lot of machines and a paltry assortment of dumbbells. Regardless, I am positive I can provide a routine that is awesome because I am awesome, and no shitty weight room will stand in the way of iron progress.

Anyway, the key to your workout will be to use those dumbbells as much as possible. Machines blow, I don't want Grundle to use any machines if at all possible. The key to getting strong is, and always has been, "maximum strain." I harp about this constantly, whatever exercise puts the largest amount of your body into the largest amount of peak strain is the best exercise. I like to use the chinups vs. pullups debate to elucidate this maxim. People can usually chin a lot more than they pullup, but the consensus has always been that this is because you use more of your biceps when you do a chin and therefore you aren't working out your lats as much (which is the goal of the movement). This is clearly fallacious reasoning because when you chin more weight, you are placing your entire chain of muscles from your lats to your forearms into a larger amount of strain. The more you tear your muscles, the more they grow. Biceps will always be the weak muscle in that chain, so why wouldn't you perform the exercise that allows them to hang on the longest? Your biceps are certainly not stronger than your lats, so fears over training your biceps more in an exercise that primarily involve the lats are completely misguided and nonsensical.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling. With 5 days, Grundle can get a very balanced workout. I don't really know anything about his body type so I'll give him a good solid general template that is sure to work. I just want to mention a few things before I go into the details. First, I hope he is eating well. By eating well, I just mean eating a lot of protein. It is absolutely imperative that Grundle consumes at least 1 gram per lb of body weight. This goes before anything else. I suggest several scoops of whey per day. Also, I know his goal is "general fitness," which may preclude some cardio, but always bear in mind that cardio is the arch enemy of muscle growth. It is possible to get totally ripped and never touch hisrunning shoes, it just requires a fairly strict diet. So he can add cardio to this routine if he must, but remember that a real tough weight workout burns more calories than a 5 mile run, and runner bodies are gross.

THE SHITTY GYM DUMBBELL WORKOUT (C) Adam Goldberg 2008

Day 1 Legs, Abs
Day 2 Chest, Back
Day 3 Shoulders, Arms
Day 4 Crossfit, Abs
Day 5 Chest, Back
Day 6 Boozing
Day 7 Xbox

Seem repetitive? It's supposed to be. Train the biggest muscles the most, little ones will be forced to catch up, you don't necessarily need to train them every day to achieve the same goal. I can't help but mercilessly mock guys in the gym who curl endlessly for an hour 3 times a week in a desperate bid to increase their arms. Remember, its all about PEAK strain to the LARGEST amount of your body. Want to train your arms? deadlift. There are no men who deadlift 600 lbs with small biceps!

Anyway, the key to getting strong is and always has been constant punishment of the legs. As the largest muscle group in your body (by far), training your legs stimulates ridiculous testosterone production which helps out all of your muscles. Find me a guy who can't get strong on bench and I'll show you guy who doesn't squat. However, we have a problem, and that is Grundle's shitty gym has no squat rack. He can make do, but this really blows. Even though there is no rack, he shouldn't touch the goddamn machines. Use dumbbells. Sure, you'll probably be limited by your grip, but hey, his grip will get stronger. Also, Grundle can bend nails.

Grundle mentioned taking the weekend off, and I don't blame him However, I'd urge him to maybe stick one day off in the middle of this routine. It's pretty intense and his body may need the rest.


Day 1 Legs, Abs

1) Dumbbell Lunges, 4 sets of 6 (6 per leg). Make sure to keep the trunk erect and lower yourself until your knee almost touches the ground
2) Dumbbell Stiff leg or Romanian deadlift, 4 sets of 10. Check the interwebs for a definition of these lifts, then just use dumbbells
3) Incline sit up, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can do. Let the grip recover here, and don't do reps! You don't need to do endless crunches to get strong abs. The key is weight!
4) Dumbbell Squat, 4 sets of 6. Heavy weight. Probably going to be grip limited.
5) Roman chair lifts. Hopefully he's got a chair or something you can do these on, otherwise he may have to do gay leg raises. 4 sets of to failure.

Day 2 Chest, Back

1) Dumbbell Bench, 5 sets of 6-8
2) Lat pull down or chins. I don't know if or how many chins he can do, so if he can't do chins use the pull down machine. If hecan, try and get 4 or 5 sets to 1 or 2 reps before failure
3) Dumbbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) Dumbbell Bent over row, 4 sets of 8

Days 3 Shoulders, Arms

1) Standing Dumbbell Press, 4 sets of 8. You have got to do these standing! People will cheat so much if they do them seated, don't lie and say it won't happen. Everyone who does them seated cheats and turns it into an incline press. Do them standing. It's a good balance workout or some shit. Anyway, make sure these are done all the way down. In fact, all these exercises NEED and MUST be done to the limits of your flexibility, which means touch the chest on bench and back, get your ass to the ground in squats, and contract the arms all the way for shoulders. Don't
cheat! Anyone who tells you that this shit will injure you is either a pussy, a liar, a dumbass....or a trainer. Listen to me, those guys are idiots. Do everything as far as comfortable and remember the effort you put in is equal to the results you get out.
2) Seated Incline Curls, 3 sets of 8. I hate curls. they are so useless. But I'll throw in this bone.
3) Dumbbell front raise, 4 sets of 10.
4) Tate press, 4 sets of 10. Do a google search for this one, words fail me in attempting to describe this exercise.

Day 4 Crossfit, Abs

I don't know if our readership has ever heard of crossfit, but basically it's a bunch of crazy weirdos who wave around weights until their hearts explode. I like crossfit because it is essentially a cardio workout for the lifter, and I never have to touch a damn treadmill. Also, some of their shit is so unbelievably hard it will make you see god. Here are a couple things Grundle can do on day 4, scale them up with weights and reps as proficiency comes.

Dumbbell Bear:

Every minute on the minute for 20 minutes perform: 5 dumbbell squats, 5 dumbbell cleans, 5 dumbbell thrusters. Perform this with 50% your bodyweight, but that may be a bit optimistic, I am still at 40% BW and STRUGGLING. So try 25s for the first time around. Good description and video.

-or-

Man-makers:

I'd do a google search to find out what exactly these entail, it's a bit difficult to do so in text. Try 4-6 sets of 25lbs for 6 reps, adjust according to how sick they make you feel.

-then-

2) Incline sit-up - same as day 1
3) Upper abs, you can try something like bosu ball sit ups or my favorite the serratus crunch
sets of 10 with whatever weight you can manage.

Day 5 Chest, Back redux

1) Incline Dumbbell Bench Press, 4 sets of 8
2) Pull down with the opposite grip you did on day 2. If you did pullup, do chins...vice versa.
3) Decline Dummbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) A different row from day 2. 4 sets of 8. If they have a seated cable row, do that, and try and pick a different grip this time (wide).
5) Hyperextensions, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can bear.


Just remember..

1) Don't use machines
2) Eat lots of animals
3) Go deep and use full range of motion on everything
4) Try not to do cardio.
5) Don't ever sacrifice the workout of a larger muscle for a smaller one. For example, don't save yourself on chest so that you can get in a killer curl workout.
6) Fall in love with legs

The Making of the Strong Fat Man, Part Two

Zoids has been party to many different lifting routines over the ages: body part split, GVT, total body, Westside, high rep, low rep, no rep...the list goes on. It would be easy for me to conclude that the best of these workouts is westside since I am the strongest now that I ever have been, but that would sell short the objectives of the other training methods. Westside is geared towards the big three: squat, deadlift, bench. Who knows what your physique will be when you have a combined of 1500, but westside will get you there. GVT will probably give you the most money body, but I don't see the fun in benching 185 100 times, I'd rather bench 405 once.

Anyway, the point I am belaboring is that every training method has a different goal, an ideal body that it attempts to produce. You should bear that in mind anytime you read a new routine and say to yourself "what kind of body is this routine trying to build?" If you are reading a routine in Maxim, chances are that body is a slim emo turbo douche who struggles to lift the most modest of weights, but has totally killer sweet abz!

This training regimen, heretofore referred to as the big movement workout, is designed for the large man who desires to get strong. He will probably lose significant body fat while ascribing to this plan, but the overall goal of this routine is to get STRONG, not turn into Brad Pitt. Mainly because I have no experience being Brad Pitt. If you follow this workout (and part 1) you will undoubtedly lose weight, but more than anything it is going to turn you into this guy...

rather than this guy...


The purpose of the big movement workout is to utilize big movements. Squat, deadlift, bench, row, lunge! These are the staples. The big guy needs to divorce himself from working his smaller muscles because the focus needs to be on building muscle, rather than shaping it. The best way to stimulate muscle growth is to put as much of your body into as much strain as possible in a single movement. This workout is geared around several major exercises intended to drain you, but not cause hypertrophy. Remember, build muscle...not shape it. It is absolutely crucial make muscle before even considering the move to higher rep workouts.

Big Movement focuses on large, hellish movements. Isolation exercises are really in here only to fill in the gaps, as spending any more than token time on your smaller muscle groups is a waste. Any time you feel as though you aren't spending enough time on your guns, bear in mind THERE ARE NO GUYS WHO PULL 600 THAT HAVE SMALL BICEPS!

On to the workout, I have set this up as a 4 day routine.

Day 1 Heavy Legs 1
Day 2 Off
Day 3 Upper Body 1, Light Cardio
Day 4 Off
Day 5 Heavy Legs 2
Day 6 Upper Body 2, Light Cardio
Day 7 Off

First, a note on the addition of cardio...

I am highly resistant to the idea of adding cardio, I am firm believer in not sending mixed signals to your cardiovascular system, and any real effort on any machine is going to temper your musculature for two wholly different operations. However, until the big man packs on a lot of muscle, his body will not be prepped to burn more calories. Without the addition of lots of lean muscle, he will probably require some additional cardio in the beginning. For now, I have added light cardio into this workout...but it certainly is not a long term idea.

Light cardio means 20-30 minutes tops, at a light to moderate effort. A good workout may be a 2 mile jog, 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill at an incline of 8-15%, or 20 minutes on the erg at a slow rate (18-20 SPM) at somewhere between 2:04 and 2:10. The key here is to stay well below your lactic threshold. If at any time you feel like your heart rate is anything higher than 70%, turn it down.

If you have the ability to go to the gym more than 4 times per week, I would strongly urge the large man to put these cardio workouts on separate days, as far away from lifting as possible.

Remember....cardio is a secondary effort, and is only around to get your heart rate up and burn a little fat. Do not pursue cardio with any high degree of effort or you will find your ability to lift severely curtailed, muscle growth is the long term solution for burning fat...not cardio.


Heavy Legs 1:

Squat: 3 sets of 5, 2 sets of 3, 1 set of 1.
The goal here is to slowly pare down into one heavy lift that won't quite be an accurate measure of your 1 rep max (because you should be fairly exhausted by then) but will be fairly close. Squats should be performed with heavy weight ranging from 75% of your max all the way up to 90%. Take your time in between sets, your goal here is quality sets...not a high heart rate.
Stiff legged or Romanian Deadlift: 4 sets of 6
Time to hit the hammies and lower back! These exercises are far more effective than queer leg curls, and your lower back shouldn't be that tired from squats. Make an effort to keep you back rigid flat, and your knees almost locked.
Mid Abdominals: 4 sets of 8-10
Contrary to popular opinion, big strong guys should not do endless crunches to work their abs. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that every other exercise in my routine was high weight, low rep...why shouldn't abs be the same? Anyway, a good way to work your abs here is to set up the incline sit up bench at a height where you struggle your way through 8-10 reps.

Upper Body 1, Light Cardio

Bench Press: 3 sets of 5, 2 sets of 3, 1 set of 1
Same deal as the squat. Your grip should be precisely shoulder width (yes, this is a bit narrow) and you need to concentrate on pointing your elbows forward through both the concentric and eccentric phase. This is purely for shoulder health, it is very easy to turn your elbows out to engage more of your pecs, but you put your shoulder into a horrendous amount of external rotation. Save your rotator cuff and AC joint and go with a narrow(er) grip, elbows forward. It is harder in the short term because it throws more weight on your triceps...but hey...work your triceps more and quite whining.
DB standing Military press: 4 sets of 6
Sorry, I love shoulders. They have to find their way into this routine somewhere. I have them after chest so there is no question that emphasis is on pecs, not shoulders. Do them standing so you won't cheat.
Tricep Extensions (any variation): 3 sets of 10-12
A bit of hypertophy at the end.
Lower Abdominals: 4 sets of 8
Low ab pull in, leg raises, roman chair thingie...all these are great for your lower abs, or as I like to call it, the sex region.

Heavy Legs 2

Deadlift: 8 sets of 2
There are about 2 billion different variations of deadlift, so I would use this to your advantage and mix things up every once in a while. However, I'd stick to conventional for the first 2 months to get your form right and build up some posterior chain strength. Refer to part 1, part 2, and part 3 of this guy's info to get your form right.
Lunges: 4 sets of 6
Check this link out for proper form. It is easy to screw these up.
Upper Abdominals: 4 sets of 8
You'll never hear me say this again, but those sit ups on that damn ball are pretty effective. I started doing these as well.

Upper Body 2, Light Cardio

Pullups: 5 sets of 5
Now, I know it is going to be damn near impossible for our big guy to do a pullup. But that shouldn't stop the big guy from doing pull-downs. Pull downs are damn near intrinsic for lat development, which gives your arms a platform to lay down on as you bench (you are doing narrow grip, right?). The road to being a sailsman is paved with the pulldown. Just make sure you don't look like a worm on a hook, don't lean back or jerk the weight down, and pull it to just below chin level. Nice and slow.
Rows: 4 sets of 6
Again, lots of variation here. You can do t-row, bent over row, wide grip row, close grip, supinated grip row...all you have to do is make sure you don't exceed what you can do an honest rep with. Now, I am not saying bring the bar back until it touches your chest (unless you are doing bent over row) because this is generally beyond the limits of flexibility...but you'll know when you are cheating too much. It is important you keep your wits about you because back is an easy cheat when it is difficult to discern if you are done with a rep. Chest is easy...your rep is complete when you touch the bar to your chest (you are touching the bar to your chest?)...but back can be a bit more subjective. Just play it smart and don't rack up a whole lot of weight to do what is essentially a glorified shrug.
BB half bench: 4 sets of 5
Since you are moving to a narrower bench grip, you need to spend some time developing your triceps a bit more than normal. I love half bench. It trains the lockout from 4 inches above your chest up, where most people fail. It will take some time to get used to pausing in mid-air above your chest, but this exercise is killer for training your failure at lockout.


The Four Principles of the Big Movement Workout:

1) Never sacrifice big movements for small ones.
In other words, don't breeze through your chest just to get to shoulder or biceps. Never "save yourself" so that you can hit some new max with any smaller muscle group.
2) Quality sets, Quality reps
Keep your form, make every rep count, and rest plenty between the major lifts.
3) To become strong and in shape, you must build muscle, to build muscle you must strain your body to the maximum.
You must keep your motivation and push yourself week to week. These are big motions, and it takes a lot of gumption to get up set after set for tortuous squats...much more motivation than doing a set of curls. But you reap what you sow, the more you put in the more you get out.
4) Eat smart, and eat plenty.
Don't starve yourself, and eat lots of kittens.


Go get 'em.

Gym Equipment Part 1: Grip

STRAPS

Often times Zoids catches a wayward comment such as,

"Hey man, my grips sucks, I was thinking of buying some lifting straps..."

"What are you pulling?" - Zoids

"Uh, I don't know...225?"

Dios Mio, how are you supposed to build a grip when you default to this asshole everytime your forearms begin to fail?
I can't tell you how many times I have seen people in the gym using straps with their pulldowns at 110 lbs, or sweet mother of god, on a pressing exercise. Other than making you look like a terrific douche, you shouldn't need assistance to pull 1/2 your body weight. How do you get out of bed in the morning? OH SHIT I BETTER PUT ON MY BELT AND STRAPS I GOTTA PULL MYSELF OFF THE GODDAMN TOILET!!!!1.

Truth be told, straps blow. The totally take grip strength out of the equation, which is not necessarily a bad thing if you train your grip on a myriad of other exercises in which you are strapless (rows, DB anything, other pulls), but those bastards destroy your wrists nonetheless. I have blown a blood vessel numerous times from straps murdering me, and it takes forever to wrap up on a bar, and while you are doing so crouched down you are losing your psyche out and cramping your legs.

Chalk. Use it from now on. I tried it for the first time the other day and pulled 505. The bar never slipped, and my grip isn't exactly iron clad. Rather than the bar slipping, I lost about a square inch of skin from my right hand.

AWESOME!

Building better dog paws, is all I'll say.

It is so nice to just run right up to the bar, all pissed off about whatever it is that gets you pumped (rising cost of whey, hair loss, etc.) and pull. No set up, no wrap up...just you murdering your lumbar. Chalk is cheap, easy to use, and a fucking mess. But hey, its a lot more fun than straps, though I would suggest using the innernet to find it as every Sports Authority in the DC metro area is currently out of stock.

Stupid Traineo Retard Wednesday

It is time for another rendition of stupid traineo retards. Fear not, the time of New Years Resolutionerz is still at hand, and the message boards of traineo are rife with confused idiots. It is my job and right as an American to point them out and laugh at their misfortune and misplaced confidence. Even if it is just me that is laughing.

____________________________________________________________________
Seriously, what's up with everyone getting debilitating knee injuries? Every other thread on this board is some whine-fest about how some 300-lb monstrosity tore out his ACL walking on the treadmill at 3 mph. Anyway, Jeff Bristow adds this pearly gem of wisdom

"If you are able to get a Gym membership maybe you could use the rowing machine to get some cardio in using your upper body."

...

Rowing is an upper body workout???



____________________________________________________________________
Our next misguided simpleton is completely befuddled by the fact that 10 minutes on an elliptical at low resistance could not get his heart rate above 100. What a shocker.

"After 10 minutes of warmup, I checked my heart rate, barely over 100...WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I've checked another machine's heart rate, same thing.

THe bottom line is that for 25 minutes, I could NOT get my heart rate to 125 which is where I like to keep it for a really good sweat..."

...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

____________________________________________________________________
Monique is apparently an alien who doesn't require sugar to power her cells. She subsists on the tears of babies...babies crying at the sight of her.



"I also find that making little bets with my husband helps me to have more self control. For example, we used to have a deal that if I didn't eat sugar at all for two weeks at a time, he'd buy me a new book of my choice (I love to read). "

____________________________________________________________________
Stephen doesn't just love to run....he loves while he runs.


"I have started to find my hands throb when I finish well from about the 50 minute mark and although its not painful its a wierd sensation I was wondering if anyone has experience of this before I bother a Doc."

____________________________________________________________________
Release the Hounds, unsatisfied with the fact that he has no real-life friends, asks his internet buddies to jiggle his junk and congratulate him in running 3.1 miles in 36 minutes.



"...but I feel the need for just a bit of self-congratulation. I'm currently living a very hermit-ish lifestyle. All my close friends are spread across the country and I'm keeping my fitness kick a secret from them until I go on a cross country trip in a few months and can exhibit my new body in person. But enough with the introduction...

Today, I ran my first 5k! Ever!

(OK, OK, it was on the treadmill and it was at the blazing speed of 5mph/36 minutes, but still..) "
____________________________________________________________________

Ahhhh Cliff.

Cliff wants to let people know that he could bench 225 (+, whatever that means) if he wanted to impress people, but ya know, he isn't in it for the ladies. Apparently he feels much better benching 125 lbs 18 times than he ever could benching 225 lbs, probably due to the fact that his single, half-way rep at 225 often falls on his face, mashing his face into oblivion.

Remind me to promptly stop lifting any heavy weight, as I probably can't master the "execution." Ronnie Coleman certainly got to his current stature by repeatedly curling 15lbs over the course of 7 hours.

This type of exercise is perfectly well and good if you want to end up looking like Lance Armstrong, but something about "Clifford Chinnn" makes me think that he is lacking the specific components in his exercise regime to ever achieve that goal.



"I can easily bench 225+ if I want to impress people, but since I don't care to, right now I'm repping 125-150 which could seem light to me (I come from a background of pretty intense lifting in the oh-so-distant past) but I could care less; at the end of my workout I've probably pushed myself a lot further at 150 than I would have at 225 since I could focus on proper execution.

You'd be amazed at how good a workout you can get doing arm curls with 15 lbs if you:
a) control the weights on the way up and down (I go 3 counts up and 3 counts down for each rep on curls)
b) force yourself to maintain proper form (no swinging your shoulders or trying to find momentum to carry the weight up)."

Stupid Traineo Retard Wednesdays

From the depths of the fitness abyss comes the first installment of the sham that is traineo. Zoidberg has hinted at past rants about this cesspool of self congratulatory circle-jerkers, but without evidence to back up the negative adjectives I so willingly thrust upon you, I am no better than them. Suffice it to say, most of my rants about the ineffectiveness of certain exercise regimens, diet fads, and neurological foibles stem 100% from the idiots that cavort about traineo. They lay heaps of praise on those who manage to run a mile in 14 minutes, or bench 85 lbs.

This excerpt is only a minor mistake, but it hints at two things that bother me on a core level.

1) The use of science as a metaphor. Science is not a metaphor, it is objective fact based on observation, theory, and proof.

2) The attack on my wondersubstance, caffeine.
___________________________________________________________________

HOW TO AVOID THE 10 WORD ENERGY ZAPPERS



I'll summarize what that woman said:
_______________________________________________________________

3. Caffeine. I'm sorry, but caffeine is the big lie. Don't hate me. It's simply the laws of physics. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Caffeine follows this law. Initially you will see a kick of energy from caffeine, but everyone pays the price later in terms of tiredness, insomnia, or irritability. This is obviously a personal choice, but there are many, including myself, who have improved their life by eliminating or decreasing their caffeine intake. Here is an article with both pros and cons to help you decide if you want to kick the caffiene habit.

________________________________________________________________

I always love it when stupid stupid people try and apply scientific theory to very specific, and completely unrelated circumstances. What this waste of life is trying to do is compare the consumption of caffeine to Newton's third law, which states:

"If a body impinge upon another, and by its force change the motion of the other, that body also (because of the equality of the mutual pressure) will undergo an equal change, in its own motion, toward the contrary part" (thanks wiki)

Now, besides the fact that Newtons 3rd law has been disproven, this comparison doesn't make any sense the way she uses it. The correct interpretation of this law with regards to caffeine statement would be, "energy provided to your body from the chemical absportion and utilization of caffeine is then used by your body to reconsitute and form molecules of caffeine."

In short, you are fucking wrong you lump of congealed grease.

What this female Hulkster meant to say was that caffeine follows the first law of thermodynamics, which states:

"for a thermodynamic cycle the sum of net heat supplied to the system and the net work done by the system is equal to zero. Or, energy cannot be created or destroyed; rather, the amount of energy lost in a steady state process cannot be greater than the amount of energy gained." (again, thanks wiki)

So this would mean that caffeine provides chemical energy to your body, but such energy is not created, merely exchanged through a variety of other biological processes and sooner or later this net expenditure of energy will require more energy uptake in order to balance the equation (like food). So, caffeine will spike your energy level but will require you to consume more energy in order to pay for this increase.

She is once again wrong in assuming that this will immediately manifest itself in the form of tiredness, insomnia, and irritability. These characteristics will only appear if you fail to ingest more energy to account for the fact that your body is running at a deficit (maybe). So as long as you drink a moderate amount of coffee, and eat well, nothing bad will every fucking happen.

This Machine is Useless

Often times, Zoidberg reads snippets of comedic gold such as this:

____________________________________________________________________

"So, I can do 4 miles on the elliptical machine now with zero problem.
Because I was so impressed with myself, I decided to give the treadmill a go for the first time.

I was totally gassed at .3 miles!
Are you really burning as many calories as it tells you on the elliptical machine I wonder?"
____________________________________________________________________

Hmm...thats a tough one Copernicus. One must approach all machines with reticence as the formulas they employ to compute how much lard you are vaporizing is largely nothing more than a conglomeration of simple math pieced together by a marketing department to make your minute effort compare directly to the competition (which is another elliptical, not another person).

I actually spoke with a Precor rep who was installing the latest set mechanical contraptions on our base gym and I asked him how each machine calculates an accurate figure of energy output. His verbatim response was:

"Sheeeeit...I can put basically anything up in there and have it spit out whatever you want to see. Hell, I can have you on there burning a thousand calories in 5 minutes. The only true indicator of effort is exhaustion, not what the numbers say."

True that.

Let me go out on a limb here and say that if you are covering 4 miles on an elliptical "no problem" then your level of exertion is somewhere between nail clipping and enjoying a wet fart.

Through my endless search of the vast tract of internet knowledge (wikipedia) I have been unable to unearth how a single elliptical manages to calculate wattage or calories burnt. All I get is a myriad of sites designed to tell you how many calories you burn by chugging away on this malfeasance based on your body weight. The figures (per 60 minutes, 150lb body weight) range from the believable (600 calories) to the celestially hopeful (1000 calories).

Far be it from me to suggest the uselessness of this medieval apparatus, but what the fuck ever happened to this?The simple truth is that the elliptical is yet another macrocosm of the axiom that envelops the health community like a steadily congealing aorta. I want to do easier exercise, for less time and effort, and get more.

Unfortunately, exercise is a bastard of an exponential ratio where effort in always supercedes results out. You cannot be a second hander, leech, or parasite and expect to achieve a high level of fitness. There is no one from whom you can steal effort and expect to evolve as Arnold's iPod jockeying clone.

Let us objectively examine the facts of the matter. The elliptical, despite it's lack of efficacy, is a form of exercise. If you park your ass on it 5 days a week for 45 minutes a go, you will achieve some level of weight loss. However, since your level of input while flailing about is at best the rough equivalent of a slow jog, expect your gains to plateau quite early. At this point, you will have to seek a more efficient form of exercise that will allow you to expend more watts. As a double whammy, the more you elliptical you will presumably lose weight and the amount of energy expenditure your body forfeits will gradually decrease.

At this point, you will probably need to graduate to the mother of all exercises, the shogun of sorrow, the deliverer of hate...

50 calories per 90 seconds at maximal effort.

In summary, you need to set realistic goals for what you can expect out of an elliptical. You can practice your dumbbell weights constantly, but if you are spending all your time with 30 pounders, there is only so far you can go.

I Eat Green Berets For Breakfast.

Recently, Zoidberg's partner in muscular crime, John Matrix, seems depressed at the gymnasium.


Maybe the logs are getting too heavy.

This is difficult for Zoids to imagine, because Matrix rules the squat rack with an iron fist and suitably embarrasses the myriad 1/4 squat weirdos that lilt grunting into our zone. Matrix has confessed that he doesn't feel as excited at the gym lately, instead of the rush of endorphins and other wondrous chemicals he feels ennui and a general lackadaisical malaise.

After careful consideration of the facts I have come to the conclusion that this is directly related to the fact that we exercise at 6pm at an awful gym, chock-full of man-turbos.

Matrix may try and attribute this indifference to the fact that our workouts seem boring lately, and a change may solve the problem but that would ignore the fact that the past few months have seen a tremendous increase the masses he lifts. The answer to this problem of indifference does not necessarily preclude the complete re-arrangement of an exercise regime, such a change would be deleterious to progress, hacking away gains made over the past few months. It would also not attack the problem at its source: bad gym.

Environment plays a crucial role in the enjoyment of exercise. If you are in a room that is not conducive to feats of strength, you will find your concentration, motivation, and purpose wane. I always find that my rowing performance suffers greatly when I erg at the gym on base, a tiny claustrophobic room where I face a plaster wall for 8x500M. It is not because I am lazy, or my workout is boring and needs a change, it is due to the fact that I want to row someplace where it is enjoyable.

"Ho HO there!" you say, "Surely your objective philosophy does not leave room for nurture vs. nature!"

To you I reply, "Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut."

Yes, some people are blessed to have the unquestioning, unflagging impetus. These Hank Reardens are truly wondrous. However, some of us greatly benefit from being in an environment that allows the testosterone to flow more willingly. As much as I love deadlifts, when Ashlee Simpson floats over the sickly sweet breeze of a thousand turbodouche's Drakar Noire, I get crabby and indifferent.

Does this make me less of a committed lifter? Of course. It would be wrong for me to claim the same drive as someone who obviously needs no environmental influence. But we should work with the problem rather than continuing to drudge in and out of that awful gym, hoping that a squat rack won't be occupied by someone doing barbell calf-raises.

So what is the solution? Well, unfortunately we don't have the capital to create our own gym yet, but that will be forthcoming. Also, we can't exercise during the day as we pretend to have jobs. Perhaps a change of environment might be enough of a change of pace. My old stomping grounds, Bailey's Xroads, is not nearly as crowded and is populated by a more serious weightlifting crowd...at least it used to be...which might be enough of a difference to remind J-tox that he should not lower himself to feel influenced by the wastes of life.

Torture

Demands. Rights. Etc.

I can't exist for 30 seconds without getting force fed the opinion that somehow the government must expiate itself by providing for its people things I am unclear they deserve or have the right to ask for. I haven't lived long, but I can't help but feel a growing trend (especially in my age bracket) that people yearn for the unearned. Somehow, people have got it in their heads that certain inalienable rights now extend to social security, health care, privacy, money money money.

At what cost, and to whom?

Our Constitution protects its citizens so that they may have life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Happiness in not guaranteed. If you are unable to support yourself, it is not the government (or its citizens) obligation to support you. If you seek to infringe upon the freedom of others (terrorists) your liberty, privacy, rights, and property are void.

Our Constitution set forth to hammer forth the principle that all men are entitled to their life. Freedom to pursue and achieve success is promised without fear of oppression so long as you do not violate the liberty of others. The second you choose to invalidate the freedom of another individual, you invalidate your own right to liberty. Perhaps this is the maxim that people seem so willing to ignore. If a private citizen decides to willingly plot against others in an effort to hurt or kill them or carries forth plans to further this goal, they have forfeited their right to their own person. There is no such thing as a right to harm others. One who harms others has no moral base to justify their actions. This is why the Patriot Act, and all the wire-tapping and torture that it precludes, is fully justifiable by our Constitution.

People disagree not because they find it morally unpalatable to torture a terrorist, they disagree because mob mentality has forced them to feel bad for thinking otherwise. There are few people in America today who are willing to stand on their own moral ground, their reasons for decrying torture and wiretapping is not an argument founded on objective principles, rather it is based in subjective sycophancy.

Ask yourself, what rights does a man who kills innocents have? Does he have a right to his own life once he takes others?