Stupid Traineo Retard Wednesday

It is time for another rendition of stupid traineo retards. Fear not, the time of New Years Resolutionerz is still at hand, and the message boards of traineo are rife with confused idiots. It is my job and right as an American to point them out and laugh at their misfortune and misplaced confidence. Even if it is just me that is laughing.

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Seriously, what's up with everyone getting debilitating knee injuries? Every other thread on this board is some whine-fest about how some 300-lb monstrosity tore out his ACL walking on the treadmill at 3 mph. Anyway, Jeff Bristow adds this pearly gem of wisdom

"If you are able to get a Gym membership maybe you could use the rowing machine to get some cardio in using your upper body."

...

Rowing is an upper body workout???



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Our next misguided simpleton is completely befuddled by the fact that 10 minutes on an elliptical at low resistance could not get his heart rate above 100. What a shocker.

"After 10 minutes of warmup, I checked my heart rate, barely over 100...WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I've checked another machine's heart rate, same thing.

THe bottom line is that for 25 minutes, I could NOT get my heart rate to 125 which is where I like to keep it for a really good sweat..."

...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

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Monique is apparently an alien who doesn't require sugar to power her cells. She subsists on the tears of babies...babies crying at the sight of her.



"I also find that making little bets with my husband helps me to have more self control. For example, we used to have a deal that if I didn't eat sugar at all for two weeks at a time, he'd buy me a new book of my choice (I love to read). "

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Stephen doesn't just love to run....he loves while he runs.


"I have started to find my hands throb when I finish well from about the 50 minute mark and although its not painful its a wierd sensation I was wondering if anyone has experience of this before I bother a Doc."

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Release the Hounds, unsatisfied with the fact that he has no real-life friends, asks his internet buddies to jiggle his junk and congratulate him in running 3.1 miles in 36 minutes.



"...but I feel the need for just a bit of self-congratulation. I'm currently living a very hermit-ish lifestyle. All my close friends are spread across the country and I'm keeping my fitness kick a secret from them until I go on a cross country trip in a few months and can exhibit my new body in person. But enough with the introduction...

Today, I ran my first 5k! Ever!

(OK, OK, it was on the treadmill and it was at the blazing speed of 5mph/36 minutes, but still..) "
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Ahhhh Cliff.

Cliff wants to let people know that he could bench 225 (+, whatever that means) if he wanted to impress people, but ya know, he isn't in it for the ladies. Apparently he feels much better benching 125 lbs 18 times than he ever could benching 225 lbs, probably due to the fact that his single, half-way rep at 225 often falls on his face, mashing his face into oblivion.

Remind me to promptly stop lifting any heavy weight, as I probably can't master the "execution." Ronnie Coleman certainly got to his current stature by repeatedly curling 15lbs over the course of 7 hours.

This type of exercise is perfectly well and good if you want to end up looking like Lance Armstrong, but something about "Clifford Chinnn" makes me think that he is lacking the specific components in his exercise regime to ever achieve that goal.



"I can easily bench 225+ if I want to impress people, but since I don't care to, right now I'm repping 125-150 which could seem light to me (I come from a background of pretty intense lifting in the oh-so-distant past) but I could care less; at the end of my workout I've probably pushed myself a lot further at 150 than I would have at 225 since I could focus on proper execution.

You'd be amazed at how good a workout you can get doing arm curls with 15 lbs if you:
a) control the weights on the way up and down (I go 3 counts up and 3 counts down for each rep on curls)
b) force yourself to maintain proper form (no swinging your shoulders or trying to find momentum to carry the weight up)."

Stupid Traineo Retard Wednesdays

From the depths of the fitness abyss comes the first installment of the sham that is traineo. Zoidberg has hinted at past rants about this cesspool of self congratulatory circle-jerkers, but without evidence to back up the negative adjectives I so willingly thrust upon you, I am no better than them. Suffice it to say, most of my rants about the ineffectiveness of certain exercise regimens, diet fads, and neurological foibles stem 100% from the idiots that cavort about traineo. They lay heaps of praise on those who manage to run a mile in 14 minutes, or bench 85 lbs.

This excerpt is only a minor mistake, but it hints at two things that bother me on a core level.

1) The use of science as a metaphor. Science is not a metaphor, it is objective fact based on observation, theory, and proof.

2) The attack on my wondersubstance, caffeine.
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HOW TO AVOID THE 10 WORD ENERGY ZAPPERS



I'll summarize what that woman said:
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3. Caffeine. I'm sorry, but caffeine is the big lie. Don't hate me. It's simply the laws of physics. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Caffeine follows this law. Initially you will see a kick of energy from caffeine, but everyone pays the price later in terms of tiredness, insomnia, or irritability. This is obviously a personal choice, but there are many, including myself, who have improved their life by eliminating or decreasing their caffeine intake. Here is an article with both pros and cons to help you decide if you want to kick the caffiene habit.

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I always love it when stupid stupid people try and apply scientific theory to very specific, and completely unrelated circumstances. What this waste of life is trying to do is compare the consumption of caffeine to Newton's third law, which states:

"If a body impinge upon another, and by its force change the motion of the other, that body also (because of the equality of the mutual pressure) will undergo an equal change, in its own motion, toward the contrary part" (thanks wiki)

Now, besides the fact that Newtons 3rd law has been disproven, this comparison doesn't make any sense the way she uses it. The correct interpretation of this law with regards to caffeine statement would be, "energy provided to your body from the chemical absportion and utilization of caffeine is then used by your body to reconsitute and form molecules of caffeine."

In short, you are fucking wrong you lump of congealed grease.

What this female Hulkster meant to say was that caffeine follows the first law of thermodynamics, which states:

"for a thermodynamic cycle the sum of net heat supplied to the system and the net work done by the system is equal to zero. Or, energy cannot be created or destroyed; rather, the amount of energy lost in a steady state process cannot be greater than the amount of energy gained." (again, thanks wiki)

So this would mean that caffeine provides chemical energy to your body, but such energy is not created, merely exchanged through a variety of other biological processes and sooner or later this net expenditure of energy will require more energy uptake in order to balance the equation (like food). So, caffeine will spike your energy level but will require you to consume more energy in order to pay for this increase.

She is once again wrong in assuming that this will immediately manifest itself in the form of tiredness, insomnia, and irritability. These characteristics will only appear if you fail to ingest more energy to account for the fact that your body is running at a deficit (maybe). So as long as you drink a moderate amount of coffee, and eat well, nothing bad will every fucking happen.