Gym Equipment Part 1: Grip

STRAPS

Often times Zoids catches a wayward comment such as,

"Hey man, my grips sucks, I was thinking of buying some lifting straps..."

"What are you pulling?" - Zoids

"Uh, I don't know...225?"

Dios Mio, how are you supposed to build a grip when you default to this asshole everytime your forearms begin to fail?
I can't tell you how many times I have seen people in the gym using straps with their pulldowns at 110 lbs, or sweet mother of god, on a pressing exercise. Other than making you look like a terrific douche, you shouldn't need assistance to pull 1/2 your body weight. How do you get out of bed in the morning? OH SHIT I BETTER PUT ON MY BELT AND STRAPS I GOTTA PULL MYSELF OFF THE GODDAMN TOILET!!!!1.

Truth be told, straps blow. The totally take grip strength out of the equation, which is not necessarily a bad thing if you train your grip on a myriad of other exercises in which you are strapless (rows, DB anything, other pulls), but those bastards destroy your wrists nonetheless. I have blown a blood vessel numerous times from straps murdering me, and it takes forever to wrap up on a bar, and while you are doing so crouched down you are losing your psyche out and cramping your legs.

Chalk. Use it from now on. I tried it for the first time the other day and pulled 505. The bar never slipped, and my grip isn't exactly iron clad. Rather than the bar slipping, I lost about a square inch of skin from my right hand.

AWESOME!

Building better dog paws, is all I'll say.

It is so nice to just run right up to the bar, all pissed off about whatever it is that gets you pumped (rising cost of whey, hair loss, etc.) and pull. No set up, no wrap up...just you murdering your lumbar. Chalk is cheap, easy to use, and a fucking mess. But hey, its a lot more fun than straps, though I would suggest using the innernet to find it as every Sports Authority in the DC metro area is currently out of stock.

Paean to the Deltoid

Unfortunately, about a week ago Zoidberg injured his rotator cuff at the gym. After struggling for the next couple of days the slow realization that I needed a week off (from lifting) slowly depressed me. Anyway, I severely miss military press so I will take the time to make sure that others will enjoy it properly while I sit by and grow envious of your delicious healthy tendons.

Often, Zoidberg hears and sees men at the gym who complain about stagnation with the bench press. They tell me that they have been benching the same weight forever, and can't seem to bust through to bigger irons no matter what changes to their pec routine or diet they employ. My subsequent question to them is then, "what do you do for shoulders?"


Invariably, the response is something akin to, "well, I usually do a couple sets of military on my arms day." A more morally depraved axiom does not exist in the weight room (save not doing legs and the hip adductor). Ignoring your shoulders, a muscle group that exists as the fulcrum between your chest and arms, is like failing to realize why your muscle car isn't fast when it's got a 427 and big hoosier slicks, but the transmission from a Chrysler.

All poor metaphors aside, shoulders are absolutely crucial to muscular development in your body. Your deltoids are a gigantic muscle group far larger/stronger than your arms, why would you ignore them? Or worse, shovel them in with another muscle group. Without a solid deltoid regimen, you lack the proper heave necessary to succeed in bench. Now, I understand the resistance. Shoulder workouts are often composed of several exercises which are both a pain in the ass, uncomfortable, and easy to cheat/screw-up (raises).

This is Zoidberg's shoulder regimen, it works really well for me. Then again, I am genetically disposed to do two things, military press and lose hair.

Variable Military Press: 3 or 4 sets of 6
Barbell Upright Row: 3 sets of 8
Standing Behind the Neck Press: 3 sets of 6 to 8
Dumbbell Front Raise: 3 sets of 8
Dumbbell Side Raise: 3 sets of 8

BAM! Simple. Efficient. Easy to replicate. Notice one thing that is missing? Shrugs. Seriously, why would any human being waste time with shrugs? Want big traps? Do upright rows. Want to look like a retard? do neck lifts. But spare me doing shrugs.

The first exercise is variable. Recently I have been doing standing barbell military press because it is almost impossible to cheat by leaning back. However, it is good to mix it up and try dumbbells every once in a while. It is absolutely imperative that you bring the bar/weights down to chin level. Going down to where your upper arms are parallel works the tricep far more, and the deltoid far less. Also, that's how girls do it.

Upright rows are a very versatile, they help with a myriad of back exercises, are excellent with that last part of the deadlift, and contrary to popular belief will not give you gigantic traps and turn you into some grotesquerie.

Behind the necks fall into my general rule of "exercises that have the highest possibility of injury often confer the best benefit when done correctly" (Clean and press, stiff-leg deadlift, etc.).

Raises are pretty straightforward. Don't bend your arms at the elbow too much, do them sitting if you find yourself swinging, and don't go for maximum weight here. Let military press be your exercise you barely eke out 5 reps on.

Have a pleasant weekend filled with exertion and booze. Make sure you do it for yourself, not for anyone else.

In My Sandbox Hell Has Few Pages

I'll spare the canned introduction. This blog comes at the suggestion from a friend that I obviously drink too much. His suggestion bears some truth, but not in the conventional manner. Thankfully my dipsomania is often justified by continued assertion that I always drink with company, even if these associations arrive via XBOX live.

Welcome to the visitors, come see the verbiage that is the literary manifestation of my hair loss.