This Machine is Useless

Often times, Zoidberg reads snippets of comedic gold such as this:

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"So, I can do 4 miles on the elliptical machine now with zero problem.
Because I was so impressed with myself, I decided to give the treadmill a go for the first time.

I was totally gassed at .3 miles!
Are you really burning as many calories as it tells you on the elliptical machine I wonder?"
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Hmm...thats a tough one Copernicus. One must approach all machines with reticence as the formulas they employ to compute how much lard you are vaporizing is largely nothing more than a conglomeration of simple math pieced together by a marketing department to make your minute effort compare directly to the competition (which is another elliptical, not another person).

I actually spoke with a Precor rep who was installing the latest set mechanical contraptions on our base gym and I asked him how each machine calculates an accurate figure of energy output. His verbatim response was:

"Sheeeeit...I can put basically anything up in there and have it spit out whatever you want to see. Hell, I can have you on there burning a thousand calories in 5 minutes. The only true indicator of effort is exhaustion, not what the numbers say."

True that.

Let me go out on a limb here and say that if you are covering 4 miles on an elliptical "no problem" then your level of exertion is somewhere between nail clipping and enjoying a wet fart.

Through my endless search of the vast tract of internet knowledge (wikipedia) I have been unable to unearth how a single elliptical manages to calculate wattage or calories burnt. All I get is a myriad of sites designed to tell you how many calories you burn by chugging away on this malfeasance based on your body weight. The figures (per 60 minutes, 150lb body weight) range from the believable (600 calories) to the celestially hopeful (1000 calories).

Far be it from me to suggest the uselessness of this medieval apparatus, but what the fuck ever happened to this?The simple truth is that the elliptical is yet another macrocosm of the axiom that envelops the health community like a steadily congealing aorta. I want to do easier exercise, for less time and effort, and get more.

Unfortunately, exercise is a bastard of an exponential ratio where effort in always supercedes results out. You cannot be a second hander, leech, or parasite and expect to achieve a high level of fitness. There is no one from whom you can steal effort and expect to evolve as Arnold's iPod jockeying clone.

Let us objectively examine the facts of the matter. The elliptical, despite it's lack of efficacy, is a form of exercise. If you park your ass on it 5 days a week for 45 minutes a go, you will achieve some level of weight loss. However, since your level of input while flailing about is at best the rough equivalent of a slow jog, expect your gains to plateau quite early. At this point, you will have to seek a more efficient form of exercise that will allow you to expend more watts. As a double whammy, the more you elliptical you will presumably lose weight and the amount of energy expenditure your body forfeits will gradually decrease.

At this point, you will probably need to graduate to the mother of all exercises, the shogun of sorrow, the deliverer of hate...

50 calories per 90 seconds at maximal effort.

In summary, you need to set realistic goals for what you can expect out of an elliptical. You can practice your dumbbell weights constantly, but if you are spending all your time with 30 pounders, there is only so far you can go.