This Machine is Useless

Often times, Zoidberg reads snippets of comedic gold such as this:

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"So, I can do 4 miles on the elliptical machine now with zero problem.
Because I was so impressed with myself, I decided to give the treadmill a go for the first time.

I was totally gassed at .3 miles!
Are you really burning as many calories as it tells you on the elliptical machine I wonder?"
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Hmm...thats a tough one Copernicus. One must approach all machines with reticence as the formulas they employ to compute how much lard you are vaporizing is largely nothing more than a conglomeration of simple math pieced together by a marketing department to make your minute effort compare directly to the competition (which is another elliptical, not another person).

I actually spoke with a Precor rep who was installing the latest set mechanical contraptions on our base gym and I asked him how each machine calculates an accurate figure of energy output. His verbatim response was:

"Sheeeeit...I can put basically anything up in there and have it spit out whatever you want to see. Hell, I can have you on there burning a thousand calories in 5 minutes. The only true indicator of effort is exhaustion, not what the numbers say."

True that.

Let me go out on a limb here and say that if you are covering 4 miles on an elliptical "no problem" then your level of exertion is somewhere between nail clipping and enjoying a wet fart.

Through my endless search of the vast tract of internet knowledge (wikipedia) I have been unable to unearth how a single elliptical manages to calculate wattage or calories burnt. All I get is a myriad of sites designed to tell you how many calories you burn by chugging away on this malfeasance based on your body weight. The figures (per 60 minutes, 150lb body weight) range from the believable (600 calories) to the celestially hopeful (1000 calories).

Far be it from me to suggest the uselessness of this medieval apparatus, but what the fuck ever happened to this?The simple truth is that the elliptical is yet another macrocosm of the axiom that envelops the health community like a steadily congealing aorta. I want to do easier exercise, for less time and effort, and get more.

Unfortunately, exercise is a bastard of an exponential ratio where effort in always supercedes results out. You cannot be a second hander, leech, or parasite and expect to achieve a high level of fitness. There is no one from whom you can steal effort and expect to evolve as Arnold's iPod jockeying clone.

Let us objectively examine the facts of the matter. The elliptical, despite it's lack of efficacy, is a form of exercise. If you park your ass on it 5 days a week for 45 minutes a go, you will achieve some level of weight loss. However, since your level of input while flailing about is at best the rough equivalent of a slow jog, expect your gains to plateau quite early. At this point, you will have to seek a more efficient form of exercise that will allow you to expend more watts. As a double whammy, the more you elliptical you will presumably lose weight and the amount of energy expenditure your body forfeits will gradually decrease.

At this point, you will probably need to graduate to the mother of all exercises, the shogun of sorrow, the deliverer of hate...

50 calories per 90 seconds at maximal effort.

In summary, you need to set realistic goals for what you can expect out of an elliptical. You can practice your dumbbell weights constantly, but if you are spending all your time with 30 pounders, there is only so far you can go.

I Eat Green Berets For Breakfast.

Recently, Zoidberg's partner in muscular crime, John Matrix, seems depressed at the gymnasium.


Maybe the logs are getting too heavy.

This is difficult for Zoids to imagine, because Matrix rules the squat rack with an iron fist and suitably embarrasses the myriad 1/4 squat weirdos that lilt grunting into our zone. Matrix has confessed that he doesn't feel as excited at the gym lately, instead of the rush of endorphins and other wondrous chemicals he feels ennui and a general lackadaisical malaise.

After careful consideration of the facts I have come to the conclusion that this is directly related to the fact that we exercise at 6pm at an awful gym, chock-full of man-turbos.

Matrix may try and attribute this indifference to the fact that our workouts seem boring lately, and a change may solve the problem but that would ignore the fact that the past few months have seen a tremendous increase the masses he lifts. The answer to this problem of indifference does not necessarily preclude the complete re-arrangement of an exercise regime, such a change would be deleterious to progress, hacking away gains made over the past few months. It would also not attack the problem at its source: bad gym.

Environment plays a crucial role in the enjoyment of exercise. If you are in a room that is not conducive to feats of strength, you will find your concentration, motivation, and purpose wane. I always find that my rowing performance suffers greatly when I erg at the gym on base, a tiny claustrophobic room where I face a plaster wall for 8x500M. It is not because I am lazy, or my workout is boring and needs a change, it is due to the fact that I want to row someplace where it is enjoyable.

"Ho HO there!" you say, "Surely your objective philosophy does not leave room for nurture vs. nature!"

To you I reply, "Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut."

Yes, some people are blessed to have the unquestioning, unflagging impetus. These Hank Reardens are truly wondrous. However, some of us greatly benefit from being in an environment that allows the testosterone to flow more willingly. As much as I love deadlifts, when Ashlee Simpson floats over the sickly sweet breeze of a thousand turbodouche's Drakar Noire, I get crabby and indifferent.

Does this make me less of a committed lifter? Of course. It would be wrong for me to claim the same drive as someone who obviously needs no environmental influence. But we should work with the problem rather than continuing to drudge in and out of that awful gym, hoping that a squat rack won't be occupied by someone doing barbell calf-raises.

So what is the solution? Well, unfortunately we don't have the capital to create our own gym yet, but that will be forthcoming. Also, we can't exercise during the day as we pretend to have jobs. Perhaps a change of environment might be enough of a change of pace. My old stomping grounds, Bailey's Xroads, is not nearly as crowded and is populated by a more serious weightlifting crowd...at least it used to be...which might be enough of a difference to remind J-tox that he should not lower himself to feel influenced by the wastes of life.

Torture

Demands. Rights. Etc.

I can't exist for 30 seconds without getting force fed the opinion that somehow the government must expiate itself by providing for its people things I am unclear they deserve or have the right to ask for. I haven't lived long, but I can't help but feel a growing trend (especially in my age bracket) that people yearn for the unearned. Somehow, people have got it in their heads that certain inalienable rights now extend to social security, health care, privacy, money money money.

At what cost, and to whom?

Our Constitution protects its citizens so that they may have life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Happiness in not guaranteed. If you are unable to support yourself, it is not the government (or its citizens) obligation to support you. If you seek to infringe upon the freedom of others (terrorists) your liberty, privacy, rights, and property are void.

Our Constitution set forth to hammer forth the principle that all men are entitled to their life. Freedom to pursue and achieve success is promised without fear of oppression so long as you do not violate the liberty of others. The second you choose to invalidate the freedom of another individual, you invalidate your own right to liberty. Perhaps this is the maxim that people seem so willing to ignore. If a private citizen decides to willingly plot against others in an effort to hurt or kill them or carries forth plans to further this goal, they have forfeited their right to their own person. There is no such thing as a right to harm others. One who harms others has no moral base to justify their actions. This is why the Patriot Act, and all the wire-tapping and torture that it precludes, is fully justifiable by our Constitution.

People disagree not because they find it morally unpalatable to torture a terrorist, they disagree because mob mentality has forced them to feel bad for thinking otherwise. There are few people in America today who are willing to stand on their own moral ground, their reasons for decrying torture and wiretapping is not an argument founded on objective principles, rather it is based in subjective sycophancy.

Ask yourself, what rights does a man who kills innocents have? Does he have a right to his own life once he takes others?

Driving Green Begets False Moral Imperatives

Following my recent banishment from www.traineo.com (see link for poorly channeled John Galt speech : Throw off the shackle ) I have found my outlet for attempting to spread common fitness sense to the masses has been decidedly cut off. Not that you can't continue preaching to those deaf to your ravings, but it lost some of its mystique when every response was met with meager excuses citing genetics, lack of time, strenuous jobs, and terrorists.

I was sitting in my car at a red light the other day, and as I sat in silence (car is turd-shaped hybrid from 03) I noticed that the LCD readout currently read an accurate measurement of zero miles to the gallon. This is wholly correct, since I wasn't moving and the gas-motor was off the fact that I wasn't wasting precious bits of dead dinosaur didn't matter. However, the instant I started moving under electric power I would achieve an infinite fuel economy. In fact, the instant I started moving at any speed I would get an infinite MPG on the simple fact that I would consume no gas. It temporarily amazed me that the connection between zero and the infinite was related by such a small quantity, in this case any speed whatsoever.

This long-winded metaphor is exactly how I would classify an overwhelming majorities pursuit of exercise. People believe that the connection between the zero (never exercising, overweight, etc.) and the infinite (Arnold) can be interrelated with the application of any small quantity. Unfortunately for you, but fortunate for the makers of ellipticals, recumbent bikes, and other useless pieces of equipment...this is not the case.

I made a comment in the traineo diatribe that the biggest reason so many Americans are unable to achieve their fitness goals is their own mental inertia. Their own mental turpitude hinders them so that they try and place accountability in the hands of trainers, gyms, equipment, and fad regimens rather than their own mind. It is easy at first to seek the comfort of placing all responsibility, obligation, and duty in the hands of someone else. It means you gain all the glory if you miraculously achieve, and you losing nothing if you do not succeed.

It is therefore a moral imperative, before your hand touches the erg for the first time or you grasp the olympic bar before learning to squat, that you realize that the source of all your achievement and failure derives from the impetus provided by your own mind. No one else.

Now, so that you don't get too bored, here is a video of a 56 year old woman squatting 540 lbs.