Stupid Traineo Retard Wednesdays

From the depths of the fitness abyss comes the first installment of the sham that is traineo. Zoidberg has hinted at past rants about this cesspool of self congratulatory circle-jerkers, but without evidence to back up the negative adjectives I so willingly thrust upon you, I am no better than them. Suffice it to say, most of my rants about the ineffectiveness of certain exercise regimens, diet fads, and neurological foibles stem 100% from the idiots that cavort about traineo. They lay heaps of praise on those who manage to run a mile in 14 minutes, or bench 85 lbs.

This excerpt is only a minor mistake, but it hints at two things that bother me on a core level.

1) The use of science as a metaphor. Science is not a metaphor, it is objective fact based on observation, theory, and proof.

2) The attack on my wondersubstance, caffeine.
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HOW TO AVOID THE 10 WORD ENERGY ZAPPERS



I'll summarize what that woman said:
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3. Caffeine. I'm sorry, but caffeine is the big lie. Don't hate me. It's simply the laws of physics. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Caffeine follows this law. Initially you will see a kick of energy from caffeine, but everyone pays the price later in terms of tiredness, insomnia, or irritability. This is obviously a personal choice, but there are many, including myself, who have improved their life by eliminating or decreasing their caffeine intake. Here is an article with both pros and cons to help you decide if you want to kick the caffiene habit.

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I always love it when stupid stupid people try and apply scientific theory to very specific, and completely unrelated circumstances. What this waste of life is trying to do is compare the consumption of caffeine to Newton's third law, which states:

"If a body impinge upon another, and by its force change the motion of the other, that body also (because of the equality of the mutual pressure) will undergo an equal change, in its own motion, toward the contrary part" (thanks wiki)

Now, besides the fact that Newtons 3rd law has been disproven, this comparison doesn't make any sense the way she uses it. The correct interpretation of this law with regards to caffeine statement would be, "energy provided to your body from the chemical absportion and utilization of caffeine is then used by your body to reconsitute and form molecules of caffeine."

In short, you are fucking wrong you lump of congealed grease.

What this female Hulkster meant to say was that caffeine follows the first law of thermodynamics, which states:

"for a thermodynamic cycle the sum of net heat supplied to the system and the net work done by the system is equal to zero. Or, energy cannot be created or destroyed; rather, the amount of energy lost in a steady state process cannot be greater than the amount of energy gained." (again, thanks wiki)

So this would mean that caffeine provides chemical energy to your body, but such energy is not created, merely exchanged through a variety of other biological processes and sooner or later this net expenditure of energy will require more energy uptake in order to balance the equation (like food). So, caffeine will spike your energy level but will require you to consume more energy in order to pay for this increase.

She is once again wrong in assuming that this will immediately manifest itself in the form of tiredness, insomnia, and irritability. These characteristics will only appear if you fail to ingest more energy to account for the fact that your body is running at a deficit (maybe). So as long as you drink a moderate amount of coffee, and eat well, nothing bad will every fucking happen.