This Machine is Useless

Often times, Zoidberg reads snippets of comedic gold such as this:

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"So, I can do 4 miles on the elliptical machine now with zero problem.
Because I was so impressed with myself, I decided to give the treadmill a go for the first time.

I was totally gassed at .3 miles!
Are you really burning as many calories as it tells you on the elliptical machine I wonder?"
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Hmm...thats a tough one Copernicus. One must approach all machines with reticence as the formulas they employ to compute how much lard you are vaporizing is largely nothing more than a conglomeration of simple math pieced together by a marketing department to make your minute effort compare directly to the competition (which is another elliptical, not another person).

I actually spoke with a Precor rep who was installing the latest set mechanical contraptions on our base gym and I asked him how each machine calculates an accurate figure of energy output. His verbatim response was:

"Sheeeeit...I can put basically anything up in there and have it spit out whatever you want to see. Hell, I can have you on there burning a thousand calories in 5 minutes. The only true indicator of effort is exhaustion, not what the numbers say."

True that.

Let me go out on a limb here and say that if you are covering 4 miles on an elliptical "no problem" then your level of exertion is somewhere between nail clipping and enjoying a wet fart.

Through my endless search of the vast tract of internet knowledge (wikipedia) I have been unable to unearth how a single elliptical manages to calculate wattage or calories burnt. All I get is a myriad of sites designed to tell you how many calories you burn by chugging away on this malfeasance based on your body weight. The figures (per 60 minutes, 150lb body weight) range from the believable (600 calories) to the celestially hopeful (1000 calories).

Far be it from me to suggest the uselessness of this medieval apparatus, but what the fuck ever happened to this?The simple truth is that the elliptical is yet another macrocosm of the axiom that envelops the health community like a steadily congealing aorta. I want to do easier exercise, for less time and effort, and get more.

Unfortunately, exercise is a bastard of an exponential ratio where effort in always supercedes results out. You cannot be a second hander, leech, or parasite and expect to achieve a high level of fitness. There is no one from whom you can steal effort and expect to evolve as Arnold's iPod jockeying clone.

Let us objectively examine the facts of the matter. The elliptical, despite it's lack of efficacy, is a form of exercise. If you park your ass on it 5 days a week for 45 minutes a go, you will achieve some level of weight loss. However, since your level of input while flailing about is at best the rough equivalent of a slow jog, expect your gains to plateau quite early. At this point, you will have to seek a more efficient form of exercise that will allow you to expend more watts. As a double whammy, the more you elliptical you will presumably lose weight and the amount of energy expenditure your body forfeits will gradually decrease.

At this point, you will probably need to graduate to the mother of all exercises, the shogun of sorrow, the deliverer of hate...

50 calories per 90 seconds at maximal effort.

In summary, you need to set realistic goals for what you can expect out of an elliptical. You can practice your dumbbell weights constantly, but if you are spending all your time with 30 pounders, there is only so far you can go.

Booze Review - Jefferson Reserve 15yr

Over my two-week hiatus from my job surfing the internet, I had the wondrous duty to sample what I now believe fills in the missing gap of bourbons. Indeed, this homo habilis of delicious bourbon fits into a nice price gap that I had a great deal sorting out. Let me reference this list here to help elucidate my problem.

List of Tasty Bourbons to Have Neat, best value for your dollar:

Best $10.00 - $15.00 Bourbon : W.L. Weller

Best $15.00 - $20.00 Bourbon : Sam Houston 10 yr.

Best $20.00 - $27.00 Bourbon : Eagle Rare 10 yr.

Best $27.00 - $40.00 Bourbon : Basil Hayden 8 yr.

Best $40.00 - $60.00 Bourbon : Who the hell knows?

Best >$60.00 Bourbon: Pappy Van Winkle 20 yr.


So as you can see, the market is filled with a surfeit of bourbons at the lower and upper end of the spectrum which fit the bill nicely. However, there is nothing to fill the taste gap between the simple yet satisfying modestly priced bourbons and the upper end of the spectrum. That is, unless you count such rotgut as Bakers, Bookers, or that ridiculously overpriced Blantons.

Problem solved by the wondrous sweet complexity that is Jefferson Reserve. JR comes from the same distillery that makes Sam Houston, McClaine (not from Die Hard) and Kyne. Son Trey and dad Chet (whoa...) are part of a growing trend among bourbon distillers to start selling "ultra small batch" bourbons, something that I am sure is pure and utter BS. Regardless, their bourbons are unbelievably fantastic, so I could care less how they choose to make or market it.

Anyway, JR 15 year sells for about $55.00 at your local ABC store, maybe less across the Key Bridge. JR has a distinct nose that immediately fills you with a buttery scent with the hint of some fruitiness, which is an outright lie because the instant this drink hits your palate you are inundated with a luscious caramel atom bomb that makes you feel like you are drinking 90 proof Aunt Jemima. JR's sweet overtones immediately mellow out to the traditional oaky/toffee bourbon finish of the high end bourbons like Pappy Van Winkle, and it leaves a most excellent warm feeling as its golden brown goodness glides down to your liver.

I Eat Green Berets For Breakfast.

Recently, Zoidberg's partner in muscular crime, John Matrix, seems depressed at the gymnasium.


Maybe the logs are getting too heavy.

This is difficult for Zoids to imagine, because Matrix rules the squat rack with an iron fist and suitably embarrasses the myriad 1/4 squat weirdos that lilt grunting into our zone. Matrix has confessed that he doesn't feel as excited at the gym lately, instead of the rush of endorphins and other wondrous chemicals he feels ennui and a general lackadaisical malaise.

After careful consideration of the facts I have come to the conclusion that this is directly related to the fact that we exercise at 6pm at an awful gym, chock-full of man-turbos.

Matrix may try and attribute this indifference to the fact that our workouts seem boring lately, and a change may solve the problem but that would ignore the fact that the past few months have seen a tremendous increase the masses he lifts. The answer to this problem of indifference does not necessarily preclude the complete re-arrangement of an exercise regime, such a change would be deleterious to progress, hacking away gains made over the past few months. It would also not attack the problem at its source: bad gym.

Environment plays a crucial role in the enjoyment of exercise. If you are in a room that is not conducive to feats of strength, you will find your concentration, motivation, and purpose wane. I always find that my rowing performance suffers greatly when I erg at the gym on base, a tiny claustrophobic room where I face a plaster wall for 8x500M. It is not because I am lazy, or my workout is boring and needs a change, it is due to the fact that I want to row someplace where it is enjoyable.

"Ho HO there!" you say, "Surely your objective philosophy does not leave room for nurture vs. nature!"

To you I reply, "Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut."

Yes, some people are blessed to have the unquestioning, unflagging impetus. These Hank Reardens are truly wondrous. However, some of us greatly benefit from being in an environment that allows the testosterone to flow more willingly. As much as I love deadlifts, when Ashlee Simpson floats over the sickly sweet breeze of a thousand turbodouche's Drakar Noire, I get crabby and indifferent.

Does this make me less of a committed lifter? Of course. It would be wrong for me to claim the same drive as someone who obviously needs no environmental influence. But we should work with the problem rather than continuing to drudge in and out of that awful gym, hoping that a squat rack won't be occupied by someone doing barbell calf-raises.

So what is the solution? Well, unfortunately we don't have the capital to create our own gym yet, but that will be forthcoming. Also, we can't exercise during the day as we pretend to have jobs. Perhaps a change of environment might be enough of a change of pace. My old stomping grounds, Bailey's Xroads, is not nearly as crowded and is populated by a more serious weightlifting crowd...at least it used to be...which might be enough of a difference to remind J-tox that he should not lower himself to feel influenced by the wastes of life.

Torture

Demands. Rights. Etc.

I can't exist for 30 seconds without getting force fed the opinion that somehow the government must expiate itself by providing for its people things I am unclear they deserve or have the right to ask for. I haven't lived long, but I can't help but feel a growing trend (especially in my age bracket) that people yearn for the unearned. Somehow, people have got it in their heads that certain inalienable rights now extend to social security, health care, privacy, money money money.

At what cost, and to whom?

Our Constitution protects its citizens so that they may have life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Happiness in not guaranteed. If you are unable to support yourself, it is not the government (or its citizens) obligation to support you. If you seek to infringe upon the freedom of others (terrorists) your liberty, privacy, rights, and property are void.

Our Constitution set forth to hammer forth the principle that all men are entitled to their life. Freedom to pursue and achieve success is promised without fear of oppression so long as you do not violate the liberty of others. The second you choose to invalidate the freedom of another individual, you invalidate your own right to liberty. Perhaps this is the maxim that people seem so willing to ignore. If a private citizen decides to willingly plot against others in an effort to hurt or kill them or carries forth plans to further this goal, they have forfeited their right to their own person. There is no such thing as a right to harm others. One who harms others has no moral base to justify their actions. This is why the Patriot Act, and all the wire-tapping and torture that it precludes, is fully justifiable by our Constitution.

People disagree not because they find it morally unpalatable to torture a terrorist, they disagree because mob mentality has forced them to feel bad for thinking otherwise. There are few people in America today who are willing to stand on their own moral ground, their reasons for decrying torture and wiretapping is not an argument founded on objective principles, rather it is based in subjective sycophancy.

Ask yourself, what rights does a man who kills innocents have? Does he have a right to his own life once he takes others?

Paean to the Deltoid

Unfortunately, about a week ago Zoidberg injured his rotator cuff at the gym. After struggling for the next couple of days the slow realization that I needed a week off (from lifting) slowly depressed me. Anyway, I severely miss military press so I will take the time to make sure that others will enjoy it properly while I sit by and grow envious of your delicious healthy tendons.

Often, Zoidberg hears and sees men at the gym who complain about stagnation with the bench press. They tell me that they have been benching the same weight forever, and can't seem to bust through to bigger irons no matter what changes to their pec routine or diet they employ. My subsequent question to them is then, "what do you do for shoulders?"


Invariably, the response is something akin to, "well, I usually do a couple sets of military on my arms day." A more morally depraved axiom does not exist in the weight room (save not doing legs and the hip adductor). Ignoring your shoulders, a muscle group that exists as the fulcrum between your chest and arms, is like failing to realize why your muscle car isn't fast when it's got a 427 and big hoosier slicks, but the transmission from a Chrysler.

All poor metaphors aside, shoulders are absolutely crucial to muscular development in your body. Your deltoids are a gigantic muscle group far larger/stronger than your arms, why would you ignore them? Or worse, shovel them in with another muscle group. Without a solid deltoid regimen, you lack the proper heave necessary to succeed in bench. Now, I understand the resistance. Shoulder workouts are often composed of several exercises which are both a pain in the ass, uncomfortable, and easy to cheat/screw-up (raises).

This is Zoidberg's shoulder regimen, it works really well for me. Then again, I am genetically disposed to do two things, military press and lose hair.

Variable Military Press: 3 or 4 sets of 6
Barbell Upright Row: 3 sets of 8
Standing Behind the Neck Press: 3 sets of 6 to 8
Dumbbell Front Raise: 3 sets of 8
Dumbbell Side Raise: 3 sets of 8

BAM! Simple. Efficient. Easy to replicate. Notice one thing that is missing? Shrugs. Seriously, why would any human being waste time with shrugs? Want big traps? Do upright rows. Want to look like a retard? do neck lifts. But spare me doing shrugs.

The first exercise is variable. Recently I have been doing standing barbell military press because it is almost impossible to cheat by leaning back. However, it is good to mix it up and try dumbbells every once in a while. It is absolutely imperative that you bring the bar/weights down to chin level. Going down to where your upper arms are parallel works the tricep far more, and the deltoid far less. Also, that's how girls do it.

Upright rows are a very versatile, they help with a myriad of back exercises, are excellent with that last part of the deadlift, and contrary to popular belief will not give you gigantic traps and turn you into some grotesquerie.

Behind the necks fall into my general rule of "exercises that have the highest possibility of injury often confer the best benefit when done correctly" (Clean and press, stiff-leg deadlift, etc.).

Raises are pretty straightforward. Don't bend your arms at the elbow too much, do them sitting if you find yourself swinging, and don't go for maximum weight here. Let military press be your exercise you barely eke out 5 reps on.

Have a pleasant weekend filled with exertion and booze. Make sure you do it for yourself, not for anyone else.