O dark thirty: Alarm , Zoids showers and decides purple will be flamboyant color of choice.
O dark thirty-six: Completely ready. Mrs. Zoids spends next 20 minutes re-packing her titanic suitcase. We will be out of town for maybe 36 hours.
7:30am: Arrive at Jericho Kane's to pick him and his girlfriend up.
7:40am: Departure
8:30am: Stop 1
9:10am: Stop 2
9:40am: Stop 3
10:10am: We hit "the line" on Barracks Road perhaps 2 miles from the gate. Not bad. Spirits are high, bladders are higher even though we stopped. Three times.
10:30am: Gates are apparently open, although you wouldn't guess that from our non existent pace.
10:50am: Mrs. Zoids informs us that her mission is critical, so to speak. A girl in the SUV behind us decides that her mission is even more critical, and proceeds to take pee against her own car, in the open, in front of a giant line of cars, and before anyone really drinking starts. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi.
11:40am: Everyone in the car is ready to explode out of anger, Mrs. Zoids has died from renal failure, and I have ripped the roof off the car and flung it across the road like a frisbee.
11:56am: Bloody Mary
12:02pm: 1st Masonic
12:08pm - 4:18pm: Time Travel
4:19pm: Hurricane Katrina Arrives at Foxfield
5:32pm: Jericho becomes man-zombie for the rest of the evening, only waking to eat an entire fucking pizza before slipping back into the darkness.
5:38pm-9:04pm: Time travel
9:15pm: Aforementioned pizza
Then it became Sunday. Probably through time travel again.
Anyway, the drink of choice was the Masonic, something Zoids became familiar with at the hip and overpriced yet still enjoyable restaurant Liberty Tavern. With a structure similar to a mint julep, it's a fine bourbon beverage that has the all important trait of being able to sustain its piquant nature through the day. We had to make up the ratio, so our recipe is reproduced below:
2 parts water
2 parts bourbon
Juice of 1/2 squeezed lemon
Mint
Jar
Now, contrary to Jericho Kane, the recipe calls for still water, though you can substitutes soda water for extra zing. Take the bourbon, mint, and lemon juice and muddle it together in shaker. Depending on the carbonation of your water, either shake with some ice, or shake with the water and ice.
Serve into jar, consume 12, and time travel.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Holy Crap, Readership Hits Five!
Word spread through the old fraternity network that Zoids apparently spends all his time complaining about bleeding hearts and deadlifting. Though Zoid's activities encompass many things other than weightlifting, take liftweighting for example, Zoid is perfectly happy with the rest of humanity considering me as an angry federalist/objectivist ape.
On to the substance! My dear college associate Smegma Von Grundle (actual name) heigh hos me for a solid routine and purports that he has up to five (5!) days to commit to the gym. This makes my heart explode with joy, too often people come to Zoids asking for a 2 day workout that will turn them into Ed Coan.
The product of 2 training days per week
On to the substance! My dear college associate Smegma Von Grundle (actual name) heigh hos me for a solid routine and purports that he has up to five (5!) days to commit to the gym. This makes my heart explode with joy, too often people come to Zoids asking for a 2 day workout that will turn them into Ed Coan.
The product of 2 training days per weekVon Grundle wanted a routine to do in a shitty gym, and so the Shitty Gym Dumbbell Workout ((C) Adam Goldberg 2008) was born. A lot of this may seem repetitive...but hey, fuck you buddy.
I can imagine the place Grundle is forced to exercise and I shudder because it's probably nothing more than a lot of machines and a paltry assortment of dumbbells. Regardless, I am positive I can provide a routine that is awesome because I am awesome, and no shitty weight room will stand in the way of iron progress.
Anyway, the key to your workout will be to use those dumbbells as much as possible. Machines blow, I don't want Grundle to use any machines if at all possible. The key to getting strong is, and always has been, "maximum strain." I harp about this constantly, whatever exercise puts the largest amount of your body into the largest amount of peak strain is the best exercise. I like to use the chinups vs. pullups debate to elucidate this maxim. People can usually chin a lot more than they pullup, but the consensus has always been that this is because you use more of your biceps when you do a chin and therefore you aren't working out your lats as much (which is the goal of the movement). This is clearly fallacious reasoning because when you chin more weight, you are placing your entire chain of muscles from your lats to your forearms into a larger amount of strain. The more you tear your muscles, the more they grow. Biceps will always be the weak muscle in that chain, so why wouldn't you perform the exercise that allows them to hang on the longest? Your biceps are certainly not stronger than your lats, so fears over training your biceps more in an exercise that primarily involve the lats are completely misguided and nonsensical.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling. With 5 days, Grundle can get a very balanced workout. I don't really know anything about his body type so I'll give him a good solid general template that is sure to work. I just want to mention a few things before I go into the details. First, I hope he is eating well. By eating well, I just mean eating a lot of protein. It is absolutely imperative that Grundle consumes at least 1 gram per lb of body weight. This goes before anything else. I suggest several scoops of whey per day. Also, I know his goal is "general fitness," which may preclude some cardio, but always bear in mind that cardio is the arch enemy of muscle growth. It is possible to get totally ripped and never touch hisrunning shoes, it just requires a fairly strict diet. So he can add cardio to this routine if he must, but remember that a real tough weight workout burns more calories than a 5 mile run, and runner bodies are gross.
THE SHITTY GYM DUMBBELL WORKOUT (C) Adam Goldberg 2008
Day 1 Legs, Abs
Day 2 Chest, Back
Day 3 Shoulders, Arms
Day 4 Crossfit, Abs
Day 5 Chest, Back
Day 6 Boozing
Day 7 Xbox
Seem repetitive? It's supposed to be. Train the biggest muscles the most, little ones will be forced to catch up, you don't necessarily need to train them every day to achieve the same goal. I can't help but mercilessly mock guys in the gym who curl endlessly for an hour 3 times a week in a desperate bid to increase their arms. Remember, its all about PEAK strain to the LARGEST amount of your body. Want to train your arms? deadlift. There are no men who deadlift 600 lbs with small biceps!
Anyway, the key to getting strong is and always has been constant punishment of the legs. As the largest muscle group in your body (by far), training your legs stimulates ridiculous testosterone production which helps out all of your muscles. Find me a guy who can't get strong on bench and I'll show you guy who doesn't squat. However, we have a problem, and that is Grundle's shitty gym has no squat rack. He can make do, but this really blows. Even though there is no rack, he shouldn't touch the goddamn machines. Use dumbbells. Sure, you'll probably be limited by your grip, but hey, his grip will get stronger. Also, Grundle can bend nails.
Grundle mentioned taking the weekend off, and I don't blame him However, I'd urge him to maybe stick one day off in the middle of this routine. It's pretty intense and his body may need the rest.
Day 1 Legs, Abs
1) Dumbbell Lunges, 4 sets of 6 (6 per leg). Make sure to keep the trunk erect and lower yourself until your knee almost touches the ground
2) Dumbbell Stiff leg or Romanian deadlift, 4 sets of 10. Check the interwebs for a definition of these lifts, then just use dumbbells
3) Incline sit up, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can do. Let the grip recover here, and don't do reps! You don't need to do endless crunches to get strong abs. The key is weight!
4) Dumbbell Squat, 4 sets of 6. Heavy weight. Probably going to be grip limited.
5) Roman chair lifts. Hopefully he's got a chair or something you can do these on, otherwise he may have to do gay leg raises. 4 sets of to failure.
Day 2 Chest, Back
1) Dumbbell Bench, 5 sets of 6-8
2) Lat pull down or chins. I don't know if or how many chins he can do, so if he can't do chins use the pull down machine. If hecan, try and get 4 or 5 sets to 1 or 2 reps before failure
3) Dumbbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) Dumbbell Bent over row, 4 sets of 8
Days 3 Shoulders, Arms
1) Standing Dumbbell Press, 4 sets of 8. You have got to do these standing! People will cheat so much if they do them seated, don't lie and say it won't happen. Everyone who does them seated cheats and turns it into an incline press. Do them standing. It's a good balance workout or some shit. Anyway, make sure these are done all the way down. In fact, all these exercises NEED and MUST be done to the limits of your flexibility, which means touch the chest on bench and back, get your ass to the ground in squats, and contract the arms all the way for shoulders. Don't
cheat! Anyone who tells you that this shit will injure you is either a pussy, a liar, a dumbass....or a trainer. Listen to me, those guys are idiots. Do everything as far as comfortable and remember the effort you put in is equal to the results you get out.
2) Seated Incline Curls, 3 sets of 8. I hate curls. they are so useless. But I'll throw in this bone.
3) Dumbbell front raise, 4 sets of 10.
4) Tate press, 4 sets of 10. Do a google search for this one, words fail me in attempting to describe this exercise.
Day 4 Crossfit, Abs
I don't know if our readership has ever heard of crossfit, but basically it's a bunch of crazy weirdos who wave around weights until their hearts explode. I like crossfit because it is essentially a cardio workout for the lifter, and I never have to touch a damn treadmill. Also, some of their shit is so unbelievably hard it will make you see god. Here are a couple things Grundle can do on day 4, scale them up with weights and reps as proficiency comes.
Dumbbell Bear:
Every minute on the minute for 20 minutes perform: 5 dumbbell squats, 5 dumbbell cleans, 5 dumbbell thrusters. Perform this with 50% your bodyweight, but that may be a bit optimistic, I am still at 40% BW and STRUGGLING. So try 25s for the first time around. Good description and video.
-or-
Man-makers:
I'd do a google search to find out what exactly these entail, it's a bit difficult to do so in text. Try 4-6 sets of 25lbs for 6 reps, adjust according to how sick they make you feel.
-then-
2) Incline sit-up - same as day 1
3) Upper abs, you can try something like bosu ball sit ups or my favorite the serratus crunch
sets of 10 with whatever weight you can manage.
Day 5 Chest, Back redux
1) Incline Dumbbell Bench Press, 4 sets of 8
2) Pull down with the opposite grip you did on day 2. If you did pullup, do chins...vice versa.
3) Decline Dummbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) A different row from day 2. 4 sets of 8. If they have a seated cable row, do that, and try and pick a different grip this time (wide).
5) Hyperextensions, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can bear.
Just remember..
1) Don't use machines
2) Eat lots of animals
3) Go deep and use full range of motion on everything
4) Try not to do cardio.
5) Don't ever sacrifice the workout of a larger muscle for a smaller one. For example, don't save yourself on chest so that you can get in a killer curl workout.
6) Fall in love with legs
I can imagine the place Grundle is forced to exercise and I shudder because it's probably nothing more than a lot of machines and a paltry assortment of dumbbells. Regardless, I am positive I can provide a routine that is awesome because I am awesome, and no shitty weight room will stand in the way of iron progress.
Anyway, the key to your workout will be to use those dumbbells as much as possible. Machines blow, I don't want Grundle to use any machines if at all possible. The key to getting strong is, and always has been, "maximum strain." I harp about this constantly, whatever exercise puts the largest amount of your body into the largest amount of peak strain is the best exercise. I like to use the chinups vs. pullups debate to elucidate this maxim. People can usually chin a lot more than they pullup, but the consensus has always been that this is because you use more of your biceps when you do a chin and therefore you aren't working out your lats as much (which is the goal of the movement). This is clearly fallacious reasoning because when you chin more weight, you are placing your entire chain of muscles from your lats to your forearms into a larger amount of strain. The more you tear your muscles, the more they grow. Biceps will always be the weak muscle in that chain, so why wouldn't you perform the exercise that allows them to hang on the longest? Your biceps are certainly not stronger than your lats, so fears over training your biceps more in an exercise that primarily involve the lats are completely misguided and nonsensical.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling. With 5 days, Grundle can get a very balanced workout. I don't really know anything about his body type so I'll give him a good solid general template that is sure to work. I just want to mention a few things before I go into the details. First, I hope he is eating well. By eating well, I just mean eating a lot of protein. It is absolutely imperative that Grundle consumes at least 1 gram per lb of body weight. This goes before anything else. I suggest several scoops of whey per day. Also, I know his goal is "general fitness," which may preclude some cardio, but always bear in mind that cardio is the arch enemy of muscle growth. It is possible to get totally ripped and never touch hisrunning shoes, it just requires a fairly strict diet. So he can add cardio to this routine if he must, but remember that a real tough weight workout burns more calories than a 5 mile run, and runner bodies are gross.
THE SHITTY GYM DUMBBELL WORKOUT (C) Adam Goldberg 2008
Day 1 Legs, Abs
Day 2 Chest, Back
Day 3 Shoulders, Arms
Day 4 Crossfit, Abs
Day 5 Chest, Back
Day 6 Boozing
Day 7 Xbox
Seem repetitive? It's supposed to be. Train the biggest muscles the most, little ones will be forced to catch up, you don't necessarily need to train them every day to achieve the same goal. I can't help but mercilessly mock guys in the gym who curl endlessly for an hour 3 times a week in a desperate bid to increase their arms. Remember, its all about PEAK strain to the LARGEST amount of your body. Want to train your arms? deadlift. There are no men who deadlift 600 lbs with small biceps!
Anyway, the key to getting strong is and always has been constant punishment of the legs. As the largest muscle group in your body (by far), training your legs stimulates ridiculous testosterone production which helps out all of your muscles. Find me a guy who can't get strong on bench and I'll show you guy who doesn't squat. However, we have a problem, and that is Grundle's shitty gym has no squat rack. He can make do, but this really blows. Even though there is no rack, he shouldn't touch the goddamn machines. Use dumbbells. Sure, you'll probably be limited by your grip, but hey, his grip will get stronger. Also, Grundle can bend nails.
Grundle mentioned taking the weekend off, and I don't blame him However, I'd urge him to maybe stick one day off in the middle of this routine. It's pretty intense and his body may need the rest.
Day 1 Legs, Abs
1) Dumbbell Lunges, 4 sets of 6 (6 per leg). Make sure to keep the trunk erect and lower yourself until your knee almost touches the ground
2) Dumbbell Stiff leg or Romanian deadlift, 4 sets of 10. Check the interwebs for a definition of these lifts, then just use dumbbells
3) Incline sit up, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can do. Let the grip recover here, and don't do reps! You don't need to do endless crunches to get strong abs. The key is weight!
4) Dumbbell Squat, 4 sets of 6. Heavy weight. Probably going to be grip limited.
5) Roman chair lifts. Hopefully he's got a chair or something you can do these on, otherwise he may have to do gay leg raises. 4 sets of to failure.
Day 2 Chest, Back
1) Dumbbell Bench, 5 sets of 6-8
2) Lat pull down or chins. I don't know if or how many chins he can do, so if he can't do chins use the pull down machine. If hecan, try and get 4 or 5 sets to 1 or 2 reps before failure
3) Dumbbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) Dumbbell Bent over row, 4 sets of 8
Days 3 Shoulders, Arms
1) Standing Dumbbell Press, 4 sets of 8. You have got to do these standing! People will cheat so much if they do them seated, don't lie and say it won't happen. Everyone who does them seated cheats and turns it into an incline press. Do them standing. It's a good balance workout or some shit. Anyway, make sure these are done all the way down. In fact, all these exercises NEED and MUST be done to the limits of your flexibility, which means touch the chest on bench and back, get your ass to the ground in squats, and contract the arms all the way for shoulders. Don't
cheat! Anyone who tells you that this shit will injure you is either a pussy, a liar, a dumbass....or a trainer. Listen to me, those guys are idiots. Do everything as far as comfortable and remember the effort you put in is equal to the results you get out.
2) Seated Incline Curls, 3 sets of 8. I hate curls. they are so useless. But I'll throw in this bone.
3) Dumbbell front raise, 4 sets of 10.
4) Tate press, 4 sets of 10. Do a google search for this one, words fail me in attempting to describe this exercise.
Day 4 Crossfit, Abs
I don't know if our readership has ever heard of crossfit, but basically it's a bunch of crazy weirdos who wave around weights until their hearts explode. I like crossfit because it is essentially a cardio workout for the lifter, and I never have to touch a damn treadmill. Also, some of their shit is so unbelievably hard it will make you see god. Here are a couple things Grundle can do on day 4, scale them up with weights and reps as proficiency comes.
Dumbbell Bear:
Every minute on the minute for 20 minutes perform: 5 dumbbell squats, 5 dumbbell cleans, 5 dumbbell thrusters. Perform this with 50% your bodyweight, but that may be a bit optimistic, I am still at 40% BW and STRUGGLING. So try 25s for the first time around. Good description and video.
-or-
Man-makers:
I'd do a google search to find out what exactly these entail, it's a bit difficult to do so in text. Try 4-6 sets of 25lbs for 6 reps, adjust according to how sick they make you feel.
-then-
2) Incline sit-up - same as day 1
3) Upper abs, you can try something like bosu ball sit ups or my favorite the serratus crunch
sets of 10 with whatever weight you can manage.
Day 5 Chest, Back redux
1) Incline Dumbbell Bench Press, 4 sets of 8
2) Pull down with the opposite grip you did on day 2. If you did pullup, do chins...vice versa.
3) Decline Dummbell Flye, 4 sets of 10
4) A different row from day 2. 4 sets of 8. If they have a seated cable row, do that, and try and pick a different grip this time (wide).
5) Hyperextensions, 4 sets of 10 with as much weight as you can bear.
Just remember..
1) Don't use machines
2) Eat lots of animals
3) Go deep and use full range of motion on everything
4) Try not to do cardio.
5) Don't ever sacrifice the workout of a larger muscle for a smaller one. For example, don't save yourself on chest so that you can get in a killer curl workout.
6) Fall in love with legs
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The Making of the Strong Fat Man, Part Two
Zoids has been party to many different lifting routines over the ages: body part split, GVT, total body, Westside, high rep, low rep, no rep...the list goes on. It would be easy for me to conclude that the best of these workouts is westside since I am the strongest now that I ever have been, but that would sell short the objectives of the other training methods. Westside is geared towards the big three: squat, deadlift, bench. Who knows what your physique will be when you have a combined of 1500, but westside will get you there. GVT will probably give you the most money body, but I don't see the fun in benching 185 100 times, I'd rather bench 405 once.
Anyway, the point I am belaboring is that every training method has a different goal, an ideal body that it attempts to produce. You should bear that in mind anytime you read a new routine and say to yourself "what kind of body is this routine trying to build?" If you are reading a routine in Maxim, chances are that body is a slim emo turbo douche who struggles to lift the most modest of weights, but has totally killer sweet abz!
This training regimen, heretofore referred to as the big movement workout, is designed for the large man who desires to get strong. He will probably lose significant body fat while ascribing to this plan, but the overall goal of this routine is to get STRONG, not turn into Brad Pitt. Mainly because I have no experience being Brad Pitt. If you follow this workout (and part 1) you will undoubtedly lose weight, but more than anything it is going to turn you into this guy...
rather than this guy...
The purpose of the big movement workout is to utilize big movements. Squat, deadlift, bench, row, lunge! These are the staples. The big guy needs to divorce himself from working his smaller muscles because the focus needs to be on building muscle, rather than shaping it. The best way to stimulate muscle growth is to put as much of your body into as much strain as possible in a single movement. This workout is geared around several major exercises intended to drain you, but not cause hypertrophy. Remember, build muscle...not shape it. It is absolutely crucial make muscle before even considering the move to higher rep workouts.
Big Movement focuses on large, hellish movements. Isolation exercises are really in here only to fill in the gaps, as spending any more than token time on your smaller muscle groups is a waste. Any time you feel as though you aren't spending enough time on your guns, bear in mind THERE ARE NO GUYS WHO PULL 600 THAT HAVE SMALL BICEPS!
On to the workout, I have set this up as a 4 day routine.
Day 1 Heavy Legs 1
Day 2 Off
Day 3 Upper Body 1, Light Cardio
Day 4 Off
Day 5 Heavy Legs 2
Day 6 Upper Body 2, Light Cardio
Day 7 Off
First, a note on the addition of cardio...
I am highly resistant to the idea of adding cardio, I am firm believer in not sending mixed signals to your cardiovascular system, and any real effort on any machine is going to temper your musculature for two wholly different operations. However, until the big man packs on a lot of muscle, his body will not be prepped to burn more calories. Without the addition of lots of lean muscle, he will probably require some additional cardio in the beginning. For now, I have added light cardio into this workout...but it certainly is not a long term idea.
Light cardio means 20-30 minutes tops, at a light to moderate effort. A good workout may be a 2 mile jog, 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill at an incline of 8-15%, or 20 minutes on the erg at a slow rate (18-20 SPM) at somewhere between 2:04 and 2:10. The key here is to stay well below your lactic threshold. If at any time you feel like your heart rate is anything higher than 70%, turn it down.
If you have the ability to go to the gym more than 4 times per week, I would strongly urge the large man to put these cardio workouts on separate days, as far away from lifting as possible.
Remember....cardio is a secondary effort, and is only around to get your heart rate up and burn a little fat. Do not pursue cardio with any high degree of effort or you will find your ability to lift severely curtailed, muscle growth is the long term solution for burning fat...not cardio.
Heavy Legs 1:
Squat: 3 sets of 5, 2 sets of 3, 1 set of 1.
The goal here is to slowly pare down into one heavy lift that won't quite be an accurate measure of your 1 rep max (because you should be fairly exhausted by then) but will be fairly close. Squats should be performed with heavy weight ranging from 75% of your max all the way up to 90%. Take your time in between sets, your goal here is quality sets...not a high heart rate.
Stiff legged or Romanian Deadlift: 4 sets of 6
Time to hit the hammies and lower back! These exercises are far more effective than queer leg curls, and your lower back shouldn't be that tired from squats. Make an effort to keep you back rigid flat, and your knees almost locked.
Mid Abdominals: 4 sets of 8-10
Contrary to popular opinion, big strong guys should not do endless crunches to work their abs. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that every other exercise in my routine was high weight, low rep...why shouldn't abs be the same? Anyway, a good way to work your abs here is to set up the incline sit up bench at a height where you struggle your way through 8-10 reps.
Upper Body 1, Light Cardio
Bench Press: 3 sets of 5, 2 sets of 3, 1 set of 1
Same deal as the squat. Your grip should be precisely shoulder width (yes, this is a bit narrow) and you need to concentrate on pointing your elbows forward through both the concentric and eccentric phase. This is purely for shoulder health, it is very easy to turn your elbows out to engage more of your pecs, but you put your shoulder into a horrendous amount of external rotation. Save your rotator cuff and AC joint and go with a narrow(er) grip, elbows forward. It is harder in the short term because it throws more weight on your triceps...but hey...work your triceps more and quite whining.
DB standing Military press: 4 sets of 6
Sorry, I love shoulders. They have to find their way into this routine somewhere. I have them after chest so there is no question that emphasis is on pecs, not shoulders. Do them standing so you won't cheat.
Tricep Extensions (any variation): 3 sets of 10-12
A bit of hypertophy at the end.
Lower Abdominals: 4 sets of 8
Low ab pull in, leg raises, roman chair thingie...all these are great for your lower abs, or as I like to call it, the sex region.
Heavy Legs 2
Deadlift: 8 sets of 2
There are about 2 billion different variations of deadlift, so I would use this to your advantage and mix things up every once in a while. However, I'd stick to conventional for the first 2 months to get your form right and build up some posterior chain strength. Refer to part 1, part 2, and part 3 of this guy's info to get your form right.
Lunges: 4 sets of 6
Check this link out for proper form. It is easy to screw these up.
Upper Abdominals: 4 sets of 8
You'll never hear me say this again, but those sit ups on that damn ball are pretty effective. I started doing these as well.
Upper Body 2, Light Cardio
Pullups: 5 sets of 5
Now, I know it is going to be damn near impossible for our big guy to do a pullup. But that shouldn't stop the big guy from doing pull-downs. Pull downs are damn near intrinsic for lat development, which gives your arms a platform to lay down on as you bench (you are doing narrow grip, right?). The road to being a sailsman is paved with the pulldown. Just make sure you don't look like a worm on a hook, don't lean back or jerk the weight down, and pull it to just below chin level. Nice and slow.
Rows: 4 sets of 6
Again, lots of variation here. You can do t-row, bent over row, wide grip row, close grip, supinated grip row...all you have to do is make sure you don't exceed what you can do an honest rep with. Now, I am not saying bring the bar back until it touches your chest (unless you are doing bent over row) because this is generally beyond the limits of flexibility...but you'll know when you are cheating too much. It is important you keep your wits about you because back is an easy cheat when it is difficult to discern if you are done with a rep. Chest is easy...your rep is complete when you touch the bar to your chest (you are touching the bar to your chest?)...but back can be a bit more subjective. Just play it smart and don't rack up a whole lot of weight to do what is essentially a glorified shrug.
BB half bench: 4 sets of 5
Since you are moving to a narrower bench grip, you need to spend some time developing your triceps a bit more than normal. I love half bench. It trains the lockout from 4 inches above your chest up, where most people fail. It will take some time to get used to pausing in mid-air above your chest, but this exercise is killer for training your failure at lockout.
The Four Principles of the Big Movement Workout:
1) Never sacrifice big movements for small ones.
In other words, don't breeze through your chest just to get to shoulder or biceps. Never "save yourself" so that you can hit some new max with any smaller muscle group.
2) Quality sets, Quality reps
Keep your form, make every rep count, and rest plenty between the major lifts.
3) To become strong and in shape, you must build muscle, to build muscle you must strain your body to the maximum.
You must keep your motivation and push yourself week to week. These are big motions, and it takes a lot of gumption to get up set after set for tortuous squats...much more motivation than doing a set of curls. But you reap what you sow, the more you put in the more you get out.
4) Eat smart, and eat plenty.
Don't starve yourself, and eat lots of kittens.
Go get 'em.
Anyway, the point I am belaboring is that every training method has a different goal, an ideal body that it attempts to produce. You should bear that in mind anytime you read a new routine and say to yourself "what kind of body is this routine trying to build?" If you are reading a routine in Maxim, chances are that body is a slim emo turbo douche who struggles to lift the most modest of weights, but has totally killer sweet abz!
This training regimen, heretofore referred to as the big movement workout, is designed for the large man who desires to get strong. He will probably lose significant body fat while ascribing to this plan, but the overall goal of this routine is to get STRONG, not turn into Brad Pitt. Mainly because I have no experience being Brad Pitt. If you follow this workout (and part 1) you will undoubtedly lose weight, but more than anything it is going to turn you into this guy...
rather than this guy...
The purpose of the big movement workout is to utilize big movements. Squat, deadlift, bench, row, lunge! These are the staples. The big guy needs to divorce himself from working his smaller muscles because the focus needs to be on building muscle, rather than shaping it. The best way to stimulate muscle growth is to put as much of your body into as much strain as possible in a single movement. This workout is geared around several major exercises intended to drain you, but not cause hypertrophy. Remember, build muscle...not shape it. It is absolutely crucial make muscle before even considering the move to higher rep workouts.
Big Movement focuses on large, hellish movements. Isolation exercises are really in here only to fill in the gaps, as spending any more than token time on your smaller muscle groups is a waste. Any time you feel as though you aren't spending enough time on your guns, bear in mind THERE ARE NO GUYS WHO PULL 600 THAT HAVE SMALL BICEPS!
On to the workout, I have set this up as a 4 day routine.
Day 1 Heavy Legs 1
Day 2 Off
Day 3 Upper Body 1, Light Cardio
Day 4 Off
Day 5 Heavy Legs 2
Day 6 Upper Body 2, Light Cardio
Day 7 Off
First, a note on the addition of cardio...
I am highly resistant to the idea of adding cardio, I am firm believer in not sending mixed signals to your cardiovascular system, and any real effort on any machine is going to temper your musculature for two wholly different operations. However, until the big man packs on a lot of muscle, his body will not be prepped to burn more calories. Without the addition of lots of lean muscle, he will probably require some additional cardio in the beginning. For now, I have added light cardio into this workout...but it certainly is not a long term idea.
Light cardio means 20-30 minutes tops, at a light to moderate effort. A good workout may be a 2 mile jog, 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill at an incline of 8-15%, or 20 minutes on the erg at a slow rate (18-20 SPM) at somewhere between 2:04 and 2:10. The key here is to stay well below your lactic threshold. If at any time you feel like your heart rate is anything higher than 70%, turn it down.
If you have the ability to go to the gym more than 4 times per week, I would strongly urge the large man to put these cardio workouts on separate days, as far away from lifting as possible.
Remember....cardio is a secondary effort, and is only around to get your heart rate up and burn a little fat. Do not pursue cardio with any high degree of effort or you will find your ability to lift severely curtailed, muscle growth is the long term solution for burning fat...not cardio.
Heavy Legs 1:
Squat: 3 sets of 5, 2 sets of 3, 1 set of 1.
The goal here is to slowly pare down into one heavy lift that won't quite be an accurate measure of your 1 rep max (because you should be fairly exhausted by then) but will be fairly close. Squats should be performed with heavy weight ranging from 75% of your max all the way up to 90%. Take your time in between sets, your goal here is quality sets...not a high heart rate.
Stiff legged or Romanian Deadlift: 4 sets of 6
Time to hit the hammies and lower back! These exercises are far more effective than queer leg curls, and your lower back shouldn't be that tired from squats. Make an effort to keep you back rigid flat, and your knees almost locked.
Mid Abdominals: 4 sets of 8-10
Contrary to popular opinion, big strong guys should not do endless crunches to work their abs. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that every other exercise in my routine was high weight, low rep...why shouldn't abs be the same? Anyway, a good way to work your abs here is to set up the incline sit up bench at a height where you struggle your way through 8-10 reps.
Upper Body 1, Light Cardio
Bench Press: 3 sets of 5, 2 sets of 3, 1 set of 1
Same deal as the squat. Your grip should be precisely shoulder width (yes, this is a bit narrow) and you need to concentrate on pointing your elbows forward through both the concentric and eccentric phase. This is purely for shoulder health, it is very easy to turn your elbows out to engage more of your pecs, but you put your shoulder into a horrendous amount of external rotation. Save your rotator cuff and AC joint and go with a narrow(er) grip, elbows forward. It is harder in the short term because it throws more weight on your triceps...but hey...work your triceps more and quite whining.
DB standing Military press: 4 sets of 6
Sorry, I love shoulders. They have to find their way into this routine somewhere. I have them after chest so there is no question that emphasis is on pecs, not shoulders. Do them standing so you won't cheat.
Tricep Extensions (any variation): 3 sets of 10-12
A bit of hypertophy at the end.
Lower Abdominals: 4 sets of 8
Low ab pull in, leg raises, roman chair thingie...all these are great for your lower abs, or as I like to call it, the sex region.
Heavy Legs 2
Deadlift: 8 sets of 2
There are about 2 billion different variations of deadlift, so I would use this to your advantage and mix things up every once in a while. However, I'd stick to conventional for the first 2 months to get your form right and build up some posterior chain strength. Refer to part 1, part 2, and part 3 of this guy's info to get your form right.
Lunges: 4 sets of 6
Check this link out for proper form. It is easy to screw these up.
Upper Abdominals: 4 sets of 8
You'll never hear me say this again, but those sit ups on that damn ball are pretty effective. I started doing these as well.
Upper Body 2, Light Cardio
Pullups: 5 sets of 5
Now, I know it is going to be damn near impossible for our big guy to do a pullup. But that shouldn't stop the big guy from doing pull-downs. Pull downs are damn near intrinsic for lat development, which gives your arms a platform to lay down on as you bench (you are doing narrow grip, right?). The road to being a sailsman is paved with the pulldown. Just make sure you don't look like a worm on a hook, don't lean back or jerk the weight down, and pull it to just below chin level. Nice and slow.
Rows: 4 sets of 6
Again, lots of variation here. You can do t-row, bent over row, wide grip row, close grip, supinated grip row...all you have to do is make sure you don't exceed what you can do an honest rep with. Now, I am not saying bring the bar back until it touches your chest (unless you are doing bent over row) because this is generally beyond the limits of flexibility...but you'll know when you are cheating too much. It is important you keep your wits about you because back is an easy cheat when it is difficult to discern if you are done with a rep. Chest is easy...your rep is complete when you touch the bar to your chest (you are touching the bar to your chest?)...but back can be a bit more subjective. Just play it smart and don't rack up a whole lot of weight to do what is essentially a glorified shrug.
BB half bench: 4 sets of 5
Since you are moving to a narrower bench grip, you need to spend some time developing your triceps a bit more than normal. I love half bench. It trains the lockout from 4 inches above your chest up, where most people fail. It will take some time to get used to pausing in mid-air above your chest, but this exercise is killer for training your failure at lockout.
The Four Principles of the Big Movement Workout:
1) Never sacrifice big movements for small ones.
In other words, don't breeze through your chest just to get to shoulder or biceps. Never "save yourself" so that you can hit some new max with any smaller muscle group.
2) Quality sets, Quality reps
Keep your form, make every rep count, and rest plenty between the major lifts.
3) To become strong and in shape, you must build muscle, to build muscle you must strain your body to the maximum.
You must keep your motivation and push yourself week to week. These are big motions, and it takes a lot of gumption to get up set after set for tortuous squats...much more motivation than doing a set of curls. But you reap what you sow, the more you put in the more you get out.
4) Eat smart, and eat plenty.
Don't starve yourself, and eat lots of kittens.
Go get 'em.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Gym Equipment Part 1: Grip
STRAPS
Often times Zoids catches a wayward comment such as,
"Hey man, my grips sucks, I was thinking of buying some lifting straps..."
"What are you pulling?" - Zoids
"Uh, I don't know...225?"
Dios Mio, how are you supposed to build a grip when you default to this asshole everytime your forearms begin to fail?
I can't tell you how many times I have seen people in the gym using straps with their pulldowns at 110 lbs, or sweet mother of god, on a pressing exercise. Other than making you look like a terrific douche, you shouldn't need assistance to pull 1/2 your body weight. How do you get out of bed in the morning? OH SHIT I BETTER PUT ON MY BELT AND STRAPS I GOTTA PULL MYSELF OFF THE GODDAMN TOILET!!!!1.
Truth be told, straps blow. The totally take grip strength out of the equation, which is not necessarily a bad thing if you train your grip on a myriad of other exercises in which you are strapless (rows, DB anything, other pulls), but those bastards destroy your wrists nonetheless. I have blown a blood vessel numerous times from straps murdering me, and it takes forever to wrap up on a bar, and while you are doing so crouched down you are losing your psyche out and cramping your legs.
Chalk. Use it from now on. I tried it for the first time the other day and pulled 505. The bar never slipped, and my grip isn't exactly iron clad. Rather than the bar slipping, I lost about a square inch of skin from my right hand.
AWESOME!
Building better dog paws, is all I'll say.
It is so nice to just run right up to the bar, all pissed off about whatever it is that gets you pumped (rising cost of whey, hair loss, etc.) and pull. No set up, no wrap up...just you murdering your lumbar. Chalk is cheap, easy to use, and a fucking mess. But hey, its a lot more fun than straps, though I would suggest using the innernet to find it as every Sports Authority in the DC metro area is currently out of stock.
Often times Zoids catches a wayward comment such as,
"Hey man, my grips sucks, I was thinking of buying some lifting straps..."
"What are you pulling?" - Zoids
"Uh, I don't know...225?"
Dios Mio, how are you supposed to build a grip when you default to this asshole everytime your forearms begin to fail?
I can't tell you how many times I have seen people in the gym using straps with their pulldowns at 110 lbs, or sweet mother of god, on a pressing exercise. Other than making you look like a terrific douche, you shouldn't need assistance to pull 1/2 your body weight. How do you get out of bed in the morning? OH SHIT I BETTER PUT ON MY BELT AND STRAPS I GOTTA PULL MYSELF OFF THE GODDAMN TOILET!!!!1.Truth be told, straps blow. The totally take grip strength out of the equation, which is not necessarily a bad thing if you train your grip on a myriad of other exercises in which you are strapless (rows, DB anything, other pulls), but those bastards destroy your wrists nonetheless. I have blown a blood vessel numerous times from straps murdering me, and it takes forever to wrap up on a bar, and while you are doing so crouched down you are losing your psyche out and cramping your legs.
Chalk. Use it from now on. I tried it for the first time the other day and pulled 505. The bar never slipped, and my grip isn't exactly iron clad. Rather than the bar slipping, I lost about a square inch of skin from my right hand.
AWESOME!
Building better dog paws, is all I'll say.
It is so nice to just run right up to the bar, all pissed off about whatever it is that gets you pumped (rising cost of whey, hair loss, etc.) and pull. No set up, no wrap up...just you murdering your lumbar. Chalk is cheap, easy to use, and a fucking mess. But hey, its a lot more fun than straps, though I would suggest using the innernet to find it as every Sports Authority in the DC metro area is currently out of stock.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The Bad Workout
It happens, usually when you least expect it.
You strut into the weight room puffed out and ready to kick ass. You got a good night's rest, you are floating on BCAAs, and your blood is 50% caffeine and 50% sheer ass kickery. Then BAM! like a shot in the gut you miss a weight.
Fuck.
Ok, maybe it was just a fluke. Maybe you weren't warmed up or you weren't set right. You back off the weight and BAM! you miss even LESS weight.
My friend, you are about to have a terrible workout.
By now you're crushed. Your spirit has fallen ten thousand feet and all your hopes of hitting a new PR are dashed. What are you going to do? It is going to be a long hard slog and nothing is going to show for it.
Upon reflection, I realized most gym goers exercise with this method of thought every time they workout. These guys, dudes whose body shape and max press have remained the same number for years as they float in and out of the weight room. How do people come to terms with the stagnation of their own achievement?
The thing is, this concession to mediocrity is a steadily growing cancer. Men and women in their dead end jobs collecting a biweekly slip of paper that stays the same number for 30 years. Pretty sad when you think about it.
We all have bad workouts, and a wiser man than myself once told me these are the times when it is most crucial to do well. The day you know you are off, nothing is lining up right, and that nagging pain in your shoulder/knee/wrist/elbow seems a bit more agitating. If you can take that day, where nothing is going right, and manage to torture yourself into oblivion it proves that you have the self determination and purpose to get through the tough days. It is imperative to turn what could possibly be deleterious self-mutilation into performance.
Every time you train, just like every day you go to work, every moment you spend with your lady, you should be striving to get somewhere else, somewhere better. It may not be a big step, you may have to realize that today you are not going to bench 335. Maybe you do manage to get something done where previously there was a struggle. This desire to perform, to improve, to ascend, is something you have or you don't.
You either have purpose, or you float through life waiting for death.
You strut into the weight room puffed out and ready to kick ass. You got a good night's rest, you are floating on BCAAs, and your blood is 50% caffeine and 50% sheer ass kickery. Then BAM! like a shot in the gut you miss a weight.
Fuck.
Ok, maybe it was just a fluke. Maybe you weren't warmed up or you weren't set right. You back off the weight and BAM! you miss even LESS weight.
My friend, you are about to have a terrible workout.
By now you're crushed. Your spirit has fallen ten thousand feet and all your hopes of hitting a new PR are dashed. What are you going to do? It is going to be a long hard slog and nothing is going to show for it.
Upon reflection, I realized most gym goers exercise with this method of thought every time they workout. These guys, dudes whose body shape and max press have remained the same number for years as they float in and out of the weight room. How do people come to terms with the stagnation of their own achievement?
The thing is, this concession to mediocrity is a steadily growing cancer. Men and women in their dead end jobs collecting a biweekly slip of paper that stays the same number for 30 years. Pretty sad when you think about it.
We all have bad workouts, and a wiser man than myself once told me these are the times when it is most crucial to do well. The day you know you are off, nothing is lining up right, and that nagging pain in your shoulder/knee/wrist/elbow seems a bit more agitating. If you can take that day, where nothing is going right, and manage to torture yourself into oblivion it proves that you have the self determination and purpose to get through the tough days. It is imperative to turn what could possibly be deleterious self-mutilation into performance.
Every time you train, just like every day you go to work, every moment you spend with your lady, you should be striving to get somewhere else, somewhere better. It may not be a big step, you may have to realize that today you are not going to bench 335. Maybe you do manage to get something done where previously there was a struggle. This desire to perform, to improve, to ascend, is something you have or you don't.
You either have purpose, or you float through life waiting for death.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
In Defense of Nuclear Power
It is no secret that Zoidberg has an undying desire to see the release on energy on a grand scale. Anyone who does not feel chills run down their spine when watching footage of atomic tests is either missing a chromosome (probably Y) or is so wrapped up in their tree-huggering that they can't seem to find respect for man's achievement independent of the end use. Without delving into an causation is ultimate purpose argument, let's just leave it at splitting the atom is probably man's singular most impressive feat of the 20th century.
It comes as no surprise that with impressive achievements comes requisite fear, often unfounded or blown drastically out of proportion. No greater injustice has been dealt in the long history of technological injustice dealings as the rap that nuclear power has currently. Nuclear power in our nation is perceived as the big brother technology whose large concrete fabrications conceal devil machinations and processes that poop out horrible radioactive waste which curry the potential for unbelievable devastation. The hells fury of the atom hath wrought great destruction on this earth, and there will always be a direct comparison between the two radically different technologies no matter how informed the public is.
I am not going to belabor any ideas that nuclear power is a short term solution to our growing energy crisis, because it isn't. Nuclear power is a solution that will only flourish so long as it is supported by a society willing to embrace it, France is... America is not. Currently, nuclear reactors in America are expensive because we never spent the effort to learn to modularize them, they take a long time to build because our bureaucracy has them fight years of red tape to get approved, and inefficient because they were built at a trickle rate since the 70s so as to stymy any serious research in the field.
The truth of the matter is that the newest nuclear breeder reactors in use in France are:
1) Cheap, less than $1,000 per kilowatt, as opposed to $3,000 - $6,000 here.
2) Efficient, breeder reactors use make use of more readily available uranium and thorium
3) Safe, no recorded accidents (though the same could be said for the US)
4) Environmentally friendly, breeder reactors recycle up to 90% of spent fuel
I am not going to argue that the easiest way to a bright and energy dependent America would be to gradually unravel these roadblocks. All of them must be overcome if America is to see any serious tangible benefit from widespread nuclear power, and having this occur is a long term solution. Even if engineers would devote themselves full time to implementing modular reactor sites, without the freedom to build them quickly they would still suck millions without producing any cash flow.
I am going to argue why other alternative energy sources are not a long term solution, they are transient solutions that will not satisfy the equation long term, an equation that is satisfied solely by nuclear power and nuclear power alone. The core of the matter lies in available energy density, not in energy efficiency, or the availability of the energy source.
My first assumption is that energy consumption in America is ever increasing, and the increase of available power will always drive technological, social, and industrial growth.
America demands energy. Her operation and rise to power was fed by the life blood of power during the industrial revolution, and major technological breakthroughs have been possible because of the ready and available supply of power. Power drives our society, with it the constructs of civilization operate. A surfeit will always be of use whereas a restriction almost always hinders social, technological, and industrial growth. No matter how "earth-friendly" we become by turning out our lights, driving hybrids, or not running the faucet while we brush, our energy consumption will increase over time based on the fact that human population is, and always will, skyrocket.
My second assumption is that all alternative methods of energy production have a finite and readily calculable maximum energy output. Although solar fanatics like to tout the fact that the total amount of solar energy absorbed by the earth is on the order of 89 petawatts (a lot, I assure you), which is 6000 times the current energy demands of the earth, these idiots assume that this energy would be available for consumption only if the entire fucking surface of the earth was covered in solar panels.
Anyway, the maximum amount of energy that can be absorbed by the sun is around 1.4 kw/ square meter. This is a scientific absolute, you can't get any more than that. The sun is just not that big. Today's best solar panels are 40% efficient, and even if we assume a technological breakthrough that yields 100%, you still can only extract from an energy density of 1.4 kw/ m^2. Today's energy energy consumption by the US is 3.3 terawatts, or 3.3x10^12 watts. This would mean that even if we had magical solar panels, it would still take a panel with an area of 2.35 million fucking square kilometers to power America. This assumes current energy demands...current...imagine what we will need 50 years from now.
The answer isn't reduce energy needs, that is a statistical and scientific improbability. Am I getting through to anyone yet as to the long term futility here? Everyone loves to bang on the drum of solar technology without realizing that yeah it's wonderful but it provides 0.08% of the total worlds supply of energy. There is a reason for that. You can't get that much out of it, period.
I won't waste my time with wind, tidal, or geothermal power because the efficiencies of these processes are similar to solar (20-40%) and the hard scientific limit of maximum power density available is similar (geothermal) or far far less than solar energy density (wind/tidal). So let us cut to the chase and provide you with conclusion number one:
Modern renewable energy technologies, even with perfect efficiency and incredibly cheap cost, are scientifically unable to provide enough energy to sustain America now, much less in the future. Unless you break a couple laws of thermodynamics.
So, how is nuclear power different you ask? Nuclear power gets electricity from heat via the carnot cycle (steam power) which is 33% efficient, so at best we can get three times the available electricity from the available heat. Why yes, even if we had a magical method of extracting electricity from available energy, we would at best do three times better. We still would not solve the problem.
EXCEPT
Heat available from a nuclear reactor is provided by nuclear fission, the process of making uranium unstable by bombarding it with neutrons until it splits releasing more neutrons, energy, and two smaller isotopes. The future of nuclear technology is in nuclear fusion, which is currently funded at abysmal levels because people have a hard on for windmills. Nuclear fusion provides energy by fusing together two molecules (usually hydrogen in the form of heavy water and heavy heavy water) at high temperature and pressure so that the reaction makes helium, a neutron, and lots of energy. Again, I don't want to become to embroiled in science, but it is necessary to draw the distinction between the two processes.
So what is the energy density of fusion? Is it really that much better than solar radiation?
GUESS WHAT CELESTIAL BODY IS FUCKING RUNS ON FUSION
The energy density of fusion is governed by the equation E = MC^2, so the amount of energy available is titanic. There is essentially no hard limit, the energy density available to be utilized will never be a concern, and if we are talking about theoretical maximum energy production, the entirety of America's energy demand could be satisfied by one fusion reactor processing 10 kilograms of hydrogen.
But hey, this is a long way away. It requires several quantum leaps in scientific understanding, a completely new and radical method of extracting electricity from heat (other than 200 year old steam tech) and trillions in funding. But from a society that put a man into the sky, space, and moon within the span of 50 years, I am sure we can do it.
My final conclusion here is that our future energy needs can only be satisfied by the implementation of a radical new technology, one whose efficiency is not important, rather its energy density. This technology is nuclear fusion, and it is the only path in our future.
Footnote: Citing sources is for chumps. Look me up if you disagree, honestly I don't care.
It comes as no surprise that with impressive achievements comes requisite fear, often unfounded or blown drastically out of proportion. No greater injustice has been dealt in the long history of technological injustice dealings as the rap that nuclear power has currently. Nuclear power in our nation is perceived as the big brother technology whose large concrete fabrications conceal devil machinations and processes that poop out horrible radioactive waste which curry the potential for unbelievable devastation. The hells fury of the atom hath wrought great destruction on this earth, and there will always be a direct comparison between the two radically different technologies no matter how informed the public is.
I am not going to belabor any ideas that nuclear power is a short term solution to our growing energy crisis, because it isn't. Nuclear power is a solution that will only flourish so long as it is supported by a society willing to embrace it, France is... America is not. Currently, nuclear reactors in America are expensive because we never spent the effort to learn to modularize them, they take a long time to build because our bureaucracy has them fight years of red tape to get approved, and inefficient because they were built at a trickle rate since the 70s so as to stymy any serious research in the field.
The truth of the matter is that the newest nuclear breeder reactors in use in France are:
1) Cheap, less than $1,000 per kilowatt, as opposed to $3,000 - $6,000 here.
2) Efficient, breeder reactors use make use of more readily available uranium and thorium
3) Safe, no recorded accidents (though the same could be said for the US)
4) Environmentally friendly, breeder reactors recycle up to 90% of spent fuel
I am not going to argue that the easiest way to a bright and energy dependent America would be to gradually unravel these roadblocks. All of them must be overcome if America is to see any serious tangible benefit from widespread nuclear power, and having this occur is a long term solution. Even if engineers would devote themselves full time to implementing modular reactor sites, without the freedom to build them quickly they would still suck millions without producing any cash flow.
I am going to argue why other alternative energy sources are not a long term solution, they are transient solutions that will not satisfy the equation long term, an equation that is satisfied solely by nuclear power and nuclear power alone. The core of the matter lies in available energy density, not in energy efficiency, or the availability of the energy source.
My first assumption is that energy consumption in America is ever increasing, and the increase of available power will always drive technological, social, and industrial growth.
America demands energy. Her operation and rise to power was fed by the life blood of power during the industrial revolution, and major technological breakthroughs have been possible because of the ready and available supply of power. Power drives our society, with it the constructs of civilization operate. A surfeit will always be of use whereas a restriction almost always hinders social, technological, and industrial growth. No matter how "earth-friendly" we become by turning out our lights, driving hybrids, or not running the faucet while we brush, our energy consumption will increase over time based on the fact that human population is, and always will, skyrocket.
My second assumption is that all alternative methods of energy production have a finite and readily calculable maximum energy output. Although solar fanatics like to tout the fact that the total amount of solar energy absorbed by the earth is on the order of 89 petawatts (a lot, I assure you), which is 6000 times the current energy demands of the earth, these idiots assume that this energy would be available for consumption only if the entire fucking surface of the earth was covered in solar panels.
Anyway, the maximum amount of energy that can be absorbed by the sun is around 1.4 kw/ square meter. This is a scientific absolute, you can't get any more than that. The sun is just not that big. Today's best solar panels are 40% efficient, and even if we assume a technological breakthrough that yields 100%, you still can only extract from an energy density of 1.4 kw/ m^2. Today's energy energy consumption by the US is 3.3 terawatts, or 3.3x10^12 watts. This would mean that even if we had magical solar panels, it would still take a panel with an area of 2.35 million fucking square kilometers to power America. This assumes current energy demands...current...imagine what we will need 50 years from now.
The answer isn't reduce energy needs, that is a statistical and scientific improbability. Am I getting through to anyone yet as to the long term futility here? Everyone loves to bang on the drum of solar technology without realizing that yeah it's wonderful but it provides 0.08% of the total worlds supply of energy. There is a reason for that. You can't get that much out of it, period.
I won't waste my time with wind, tidal, or geothermal power because the efficiencies of these processes are similar to solar (20-40%) and the hard scientific limit of maximum power density available is similar (geothermal) or far far less than solar energy density (wind/tidal). So let us cut to the chase and provide you with conclusion number one:
Modern renewable energy technologies, even with perfect efficiency and incredibly cheap cost, are scientifically unable to provide enough energy to sustain America now, much less in the future. Unless you break a couple laws of thermodynamics.
So, how is nuclear power different you ask? Nuclear power gets electricity from heat via the carnot cycle (steam power) which is 33% efficient, so at best we can get three times the available electricity from the available heat. Why yes, even if we had a magical method of extracting electricity from available energy, we would at best do three times better. We still would not solve the problem.
EXCEPT
Heat available from a nuclear reactor is provided by nuclear fission, the process of making uranium unstable by bombarding it with neutrons until it splits releasing more neutrons, energy, and two smaller isotopes. The future of nuclear technology is in nuclear fusion, which is currently funded at abysmal levels because people have a hard on for windmills. Nuclear fusion provides energy by fusing together two molecules (usually hydrogen in the form of heavy water and heavy heavy water) at high temperature and pressure so that the reaction makes helium, a neutron, and lots of energy. Again, I don't want to become to embroiled in science, but it is necessary to draw the distinction between the two processes.
So what is the energy density of fusion? Is it really that much better than solar radiation?
GUESS WHAT CELESTIAL BODY IS FUCKING RUNS ON FUSION
The energy density of fusion is governed by the equation E = MC^2, so the amount of energy available is titanic. There is essentially no hard limit, the energy density available to be utilized will never be a concern, and if we are talking about theoretical maximum energy production, the entirety of America's energy demand could be satisfied by one fusion reactor processing 10 kilograms of hydrogen.
But hey, this is a long way away. It requires several quantum leaps in scientific understanding, a completely new and radical method of extracting electricity from heat (other than 200 year old steam tech) and trillions in funding. But from a society that put a man into the sky, space, and moon within the span of 50 years, I am sure we can do it.
My final conclusion here is that our future energy needs can only be satisfied by the implementation of a radical new technology, one whose efficiency is not important, rather its energy density. This technology is nuclear fusion, and it is the only path in our future.
Footnote: Citing sources is for chumps. Look me up if you disagree, honestly I don't care.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Central Nervous System Training
I see it all the time, three guys in the 198lb weight class. One deadlifts 315, one 450, and one 650. All have similar BF%, similar body types. Both feel as though they are lifting at their capacity. How does one explain the fact that for the same muscle density and body physiology one lifter is twice as strong as the next?
"Although the maximal force which a muscle can exert is directly related to its cross-sectional area, there is a poor correlation between increases in strength and muscle size."
Enoka R. Sports Med6:146-168, 1988.
What? Hot damn, that just about throws a big monkey wrench into this whole idea of get bigger to get stronger.
The answer I hear time and again cites the central nervous system. If I remember correctly, the relative strength of a muscle group is due to three factors: muscle density, insertion points, and connection to the central nervous system. Trying to remain in the 198-lb weight class, increasing muscle density stops at a certain point once one maximizes strength at current BF%. Insertion points of the muscle can have a huge difference in the relative strengths of different athletes, but it is something one cannot train to get better at, it is fixed from birth. That leaves the neuro-muscular connection, when the brain or spinal chord fires its commands to the muscle to illicit a response. Supposedly, this is the final frontier of muscular development.
The weightlifting world seems chock full of suggestions to improve neuro-muscular response. All seem to revolve around training for explosive concentric and eccentric to spur this brain-movement relationship that equates moving fast with lifting.
Training routines such as westside-barbell training dedicate half their workouts to training in the low-rep, high-set range with 50% 1RM, essentially conducting the concentric and eccentric as fast as possible. I am currently employing this program, since the efficacy is justified by most of its members recording a combined of 2000 and above. It will be interesting to see if this approach to neuro-muscular development works.
For further research, this is a very interesting read on the effect of the brain on muscular development.
Have fun out there.
"Although the maximal force which a muscle can exert is directly related to its cross-sectional area, there is a poor correlation between increases in strength and muscle size."
Enoka R. Sports Med6:146-168, 1988.
What? Hot damn, that just about throws a big monkey wrench into this whole idea of get bigger to get stronger.
The answer I hear time and again cites the central nervous system. If I remember correctly, the relative strength of a muscle group is due to three factors: muscle density, insertion points, and connection to the central nervous system. Trying to remain in the 198-lb weight class, increasing muscle density stops at a certain point once one maximizes strength at current BF%. Insertion points of the muscle can have a huge difference in the relative strengths of different athletes, but it is something one cannot train to get better at, it is fixed from birth. That leaves the neuro-muscular connection, when the brain or spinal chord fires its commands to the muscle to illicit a response. Supposedly, this is the final frontier of muscular development.
The weightlifting world seems chock full of suggestions to improve neuro-muscular response. All seem to revolve around training for explosive concentric and eccentric to spur this brain-movement relationship that equates moving fast with lifting.
Training routines such as westside-barbell training dedicate half their workouts to training in the low-rep, high-set range with 50% 1RM, essentially conducting the concentric and eccentric as fast as possible. I am currently employing this program, since the efficacy is justified by most of its members recording a combined of 2000 and above. It will be interesting to see if this approach to neuro-muscular development works.
For further research, this is a very interesting read on the effect of the brain on muscular development.
Have fun out there.
Friday, February 29, 2008
The Making of the Strong Fat Man, Part One
Part One: Diet
Big guys are at a tremendous advantage when they decide they want to become a monster at iron moving. Pencil necks have a problem because they need to gain mass, and they have all the vagaries associated with eating a shit ton for the first time, eating the right type of shit ton, and working from square one with muscles that are unused to moving anything other than their piddly 140lb frame.
Great website, by the way.Fat guys on the other hand, already consume lots of calories. So the ingredients to build muscle are already part of their daily regimen. Also, since they are big their muscles are already preconditioned to larger amounts of strain from moving them around doing fun fat guy things like drinking way more beer than me and embarrassing me with insane choke holds.
Points for?
Lots of calories already present in diet
Already has strong tendons, bones, musculature
Points against?
Need to change where they are getting their calories
Need to combat crushing I'll just sit on the couch syndrome
The first key here is to change the diet by moving away from empty calories and carbohydrates in mass quantities. The good thing is here is the fat man doesn't need to eat less, he just needs to eat different. This is good news to the fat man because, like all men he enjoys to eat. Empty calories and sugar needs to be almost completely eliminated and instead substituted with an absolutely insane quantity of protein. Zoidberg suggests at the beginning of the week, the fat man bake himself 4 or 5 lbs of chicken breasts, cover them with some sort of low-cal sauce (mustards, lemon-pepper, etc.) and stick it in the fridge.
Every time the fat man feels his stomach a-growling, rather than eating chips, pretzels, sweets or other carb-heavy stuff he simply grabs a hunk of chicken and eat it. It is much better for you, and it feeds your muscles. Plus, you'll be eating more animals, something I heartily endorse. You can achieve the same goal by baking/grilling a mass quantity of turkey burgers and lean beef or pork.
The key here is to have these meats available. Notice how I am not condoning the fat man stop eating, or eat less. Just eat different. This is far easier, much more fun (the animals thing), and in the long run healthier. You'll find yourself losing weight from the sheer benefit of the fact that you'll be consuming far more of your calories through protein, rather than fat and carbs.
Also, follow this general rule:
Fats and Proteins = yes!
Protein and Carbs = yes!
Carbs and Fats = no!
So let me summarize Part One, Mission Powerlifting Fat Man of Strength - The diet.
1) Cut out carbs as best you can. No pretzels, chips, breads, white pasta (whole wheat if you can), white rice.
2) No fucking sugar other than booze. Yeah yeah booze has 7 calories per gram, but I am trying to meet people half-way here. A life without beer is not a fun life. But you can definitely cut out sugar as a compromise. Drink Diet soda, the aspartame scare is a goddamn lie.
3) Make a shit ton of meat and keep it in your fridge. Eat that stuff whenever you get hungry rather than resulting to the typical snack. Meat, meat, meat! I recommend a Costco Membership and a big oven. It helps if you aren't a vegetarian. But if you are, you don't belong on my blog.
Coming Soon: Part Two - The Workout of Undeniable Awesomeness.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Old Hardware
I come to my audience of five and half to spread the knowledge of a new wondrous beverage. It really isn't new, but it inspires wonderment...or at least headbutts from my dear friend C-Brinkles.
Lo, I speak unto ye about the rusty nail!
The rusty nail is a delicious poultice composed of 2 parts cheap scotch and 1 part incredibly overpriced Drambuie. Drambuie itself is quite a treat, as its swirling complexity of herbs and honey meld together well with the fact that it is an aged scotch whisky of questionable origin.
"But it's from Scotland! Surely it must be like the morangiedalimorefiditchiglens, and full of lots of numbers denoting how much you have to spend....and excitement!"
Blast, no you confounded fools! Since when has any distiller in his right mind decided to add such powerful aromatics and sweeteners unless to confuddle the senses and fool the plebes into thinking it is drinking ambrosia? Besides, scholars (wikipedia) maintain that contrary to modern chemistry Drambuie can indeed be lit ablaze despite being only 80 proof.
But damn the torpedoes and loose lips shank sips, this beverage is an absolute delight!
"But Zoidberg, there is nary a bit of corn within a mile of this recipe! It is bourbon-free and from the dreaded land of the Scots!"
(google result of stupid Scots)
These are dark times my friend, full questionable policies regarding when I can club baby seals and slide tackle emo kids at the gym. When I seek solace, I seek it with whatever is left in my liquor cabinet and goddamnit the only thing left is scotch, drambuie, and this disgusting mess called Pimms. Why anyone would drink anything called Pimms is beyond me.
So go forth and fire up the old liver because this beverage is a welcome change of pace.
Points for?
* Sounds goddamn manly as hell, makes you feel like a Viking when you order it.
* It is a brown, so it fits well within the regime of drinks acceptable to Zoidberg
* Easy to mix
* Tastes like freedom
Points against?
* Costly to obtain ingredients ($20 for run of the mill blended scotch, $40 for drambuie, BLAST!)
* Hangovers can get nasty
* People will assume you like scots, bloody scots!
Lo, I speak unto ye about the rusty nail!
The rusty nail is a delicious poultice composed of 2 parts cheap scotch and 1 part incredibly overpriced Drambuie. Drambuie itself is quite a treat, as its swirling complexity of herbs and honey meld together well with the fact that it is an aged scotch whisky of questionable origin.
"But it's from Scotland! Surely it must be like the morangiedalimorefiditchiglens, and full of lots of numbers denoting how much you have to spend....and excitement!"
Blast, no you confounded fools! Since when has any distiller in his right mind decided to add such powerful aromatics and sweeteners unless to confuddle the senses and fool the plebes into thinking it is drinking ambrosia? Besides, scholars (wikipedia) maintain that contrary to modern chemistry Drambuie can indeed be lit ablaze despite being only 80 proof.
But damn the torpedoes and loose lips shank sips, this beverage is an absolute delight!
"But Zoidberg, there is nary a bit of corn within a mile of this recipe! It is bourbon-free and from the dreaded land of the Scots!"
(google result of stupid Scots)These are dark times my friend, full questionable policies regarding when I can club baby seals and slide tackle emo kids at the gym. When I seek solace, I seek it with whatever is left in my liquor cabinet and goddamnit the only thing left is scotch, drambuie, and this disgusting mess called Pimms. Why anyone would drink anything called Pimms is beyond me.
So go forth and fire up the old liver because this beverage is a welcome change of pace.
Points for?
* Sounds goddamn manly as hell, makes you feel like a Viking when you order it.
* It is a brown, so it fits well within the regime of drinks acceptable to Zoidberg
* Easy to mix
* Tastes like freedom
Points against?
* Costly to obtain ingredients ($20 for run of the mill blended scotch, $40 for drambuie, BLAST!)
* Hangovers can get nasty
* People will assume you like scots, bloody scots!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Damn Son
Albeit in the grand scheme of things this much anticipated achievement would get brushed apace by such monolithic monstrosities as this magnum force (who by the way just sported a combined 1500 lb combined, holy fucking shit!).
Regardless, Zoidberg is on the upswing. Having just discovered things like "competition parallel" and " 1.5 g protein / pound body mass" I feel like I am just cresting the realm of something I have worked for endlessly.
So here it is. Zoidberg deadlifted 500. Finally. I then summarily got d-zazzled and j-thrilla's place post-haste.
Thanks to J-thrilla for the abode.
Thanks to Rockstar for indulging my latent horrible musical talents. I still blame shitty drumming.
Regardless, Zoidberg is on the upswing. Having just discovered things like "competition parallel" and " 1.5 g protein / pound body mass" I feel like I am just cresting the realm of something I have worked for endlessly.
So here it is. Zoidberg deadlifted 500. Finally. I then summarily got d-zazzled and j-thrilla's place post-haste.
Thanks to J-thrilla for the abode.
Thanks to Rockstar for indulging my latent horrible musical talents. I still blame shitty drumming.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Family Tech Support
WAIT WAIT WAIT!
SLOW DOWN SON!
...
HOW DID YOU SELECT ALL THOSE FILES!!!
I made a box around them ma...
NO NO GET YOUR HANDS OFF I HAVE TO DO IT, DONT SHOW ME, LET ME DO IT! I AM A TACTILE LEARNER!
...
ok
...
your boxing the wrong way, you have to click outside the file name and drag open the...
DON'T GET NASTY WITH ME!
I'm not ma, i'm just trying to show you how to...
JESUS CHRIST, I'M JUST GOING TO PAY THE COMPUTER GEEKS TO COME OUT HERE AND FIX THIS THING.
No ma, I told you this computer needs to be wiped clean, it is full of every virus ever created, including Hanta. There is no saving it, we have to start anew.
OH MY GOD ITS BECAUSE OF MY RECEPTIONIST! SHE IS ALWAYS ON THE SPACES DOWNLOADING VIRUSES ONTO MY RAMS
spaces?
I DONT KNOW....iSPACE?
myspace?
YEAH WHATEVER
Oh Noes...Readership Increases to Four!
A fitness question floats its way to the Zoidberg from one of his old college buddies ButAss. ButAss has started doing rugby (awesome) and wants to figure out new ways to get his legs more tree-like for the pummeling (even more awesome) and he figures the way to do this is with plyometrics, intervals, and smith machine squats (uh oh).
All kidding aside, let us determine where the problem is here...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My four day split w/ a full day for legs was going well, at least I thought, until I realized I wasn't going deep enough with my squats and I'm still questioning my form on the deadlifts. I've noticed my legs do fine until I start to get to the bottom of the squat, where I have now noticed I am having trouble getting to even w/o any weights. Any suggestions to improve that? I've been doing squats on the smith machine and lunges in the mean time, even on the smith I have problems getting low w/ just a plate on each side. Any recommendations on how to strengthen that so I can start doing squats properly?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Approach
Ok, let's break down the situation. It seems that you are vexed at a lack of progress in legs. If you only have time to hit the weights twice a week, make sure you are doing some legs first on both days. I would suggest this:
Day 1: Squats, Deadlift, Chest, Arms
Day 2: Lunges, Step-up, Back, Shoulders
You have to tackle the problem at the source, something I avoided for a long time by trying to do other leg exercises without realizing that if your problem is squats...the solution is squats. Break out of that rat-bastard smith machine. It is most likely restricting your form and keeping you from moving around naturally at the bottom of your lift, forcing you to work against the machines assembly on the drive. Next, start doing these leg exercises deep, slow, and heavy.
A huge problem with lifters who are struggling with lighter weights, knowing they are strong enough to lift more is that they refuse to go for higher weight! If you are struggling to get your three sets of 6 reps at 185 on deadlift, go for broke one week and try and get three sets of 3-4 reps at 225! You'll be better off, I promise.
J-tox and I were doing heavy deadlift Sunday when some dude next to us asked us how often we go for heavy (or near maximal) lifts for legs...
EVERY TIME!
You need to go maximal a couple times EVERY WORKOUT. So this guy had been struggling to get his three or four sets of 6-8 reps at 225 on deadlift. We told him to quit babying himself and push the envelope.
He then proceeded to crank 2 sets at 275 (50 more lbs) for 4-5 reps. Far out man!
Why am I such a genius?
Lifts
Keep doing lunges, they are an excellent addition to a leg workout if done properly, which is deep with your back mostly straight. Use dumbbells only until you have mastered the form and aren't wobbly like a freshman after punch night at ATO.
Deadlifting is an oft-screwed up lift, and without seeing you in person I cannot tell you what you are doing wrong (or right), but I can tell you three simple things you should do in order to facilitate a good lift.
1) Make sure the bar starts out touching your shins.
2) Pull straight up, transferring the weight to your lower back simultaneous to you squeezing your ass together and straightening your legs.
3) Keep your back flat while sticking your ass out.
I can also pass on this brilliant three part article from the boys at T-Nation.
Part I:
Part II:
Part III:
Squat heavy, low, and determined. Not necessarily slow, but don't rush. For the longest time, Zoidberg dropped to what he assumed was essentially parallel. FUCKING WRONG. Parallel is obvious, I just refused to acknowledge truly how painful and deep parallel truly is. ButAss, squat down until you abs are laying on your quads...go below parallel...touch your ass to the ground. Shelve the ego for a while and just squat so low that you feel like you are dropping a load in China. You'll be better off. The gym is full of guys loading up the rack with 315 who go down 30-45 degrees.
Be the guy that squats 185 until his ass touches the ground. You'll be 10 times stronger.
Step-up involves grabbing a steady platform (I use the aerobics platform with 6-7 of those blocks under it, every gym is different though). The idea is that you want to put one leg up and have the bottom of your thigh be parallel with the ground. This is usually somewhere around 15-20 inches. Anyway, load up the barbell and just take turns stepping up, one leg at a time, making sure to fully step up and contract the leg before bringing the other leg to the platform.
It will surely kill you.
Start with dumbbells until you get the form down.
Good luck ButAss, murder some people on the rugby field for me.
All kidding aside, let us determine where the problem is here...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My four day split w/ a full day for legs was going well, at least I thought, until I realized I wasn't going deep enough with my squats and I'm still questioning my form on the deadlifts. I've noticed my legs do fine until I start to get to the bottom of the squat, where I have now noticed I am having trouble getting to even w/o any weights. Any suggestions to improve that? I've been doing squats on the smith machine and lunges in the mean time, even on the smith I have problems getting low w/ just a plate on each side. Any recommendations on how to strengthen that so I can start doing squats properly?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Approach
Ok, let's break down the situation. It seems that you are vexed at a lack of progress in legs. If you only have time to hit the weights twice a week, make sure you are doing some legs first on both days. I would suggest this:
Day 1: Squats, Deadlift, Chest, Arms
Day 2: Lunges, Step-up, Back, Shoulders
You have to tackle the problem at the source, something I avoided for a long time by trying to do other leg exercises without realizing that if your problem is squats...the solution is squats. Break out of that rat-bastard smith machine. It is most likely restricting your form and keeping you from moving around naturally at the bottom of your lift, forcing you to work against the machines assembly on the drive. Next, start doing these leg exercises deep, slow, and heavy.
A huge problem with lifters who are struggling with lighter weights, knowing they are strong enough to lift more is that they refuse to go for higher weight! If you are struggling to get your three sets of 6 reps at 185 on deadlift, go for broke one week and try and get three sets of 3-4 reps at 225! You'll be better off, I promise.
J-tox and I were doing heavy deadlift Sunday when some dude next to us asked us how often we go for heavy (or near maximal) lifts for legs...
EVERY TIME!
You need to go maximal a couple times EVERY WORKOUT. So this guy had been struggling to get his three or four sets of 6-8 reps at 225 on deadlift. We told him to quit babying himself and push the envelope.
He then proceeded to crank 2 sets at 275 (50 more lbs) for 4-5 reps. Far out man!Why am I such a genius?
Lifts
Keep doing lunges, they are an excellent addition to a leg workout if done properly, which is deep with your back mostly straight. Use dumbbells only until you have mastered the form and aren't wobbly like a freshman after punch night at ATO.
Deadlifting is an oft-screwed up lift, and without seeing you in person I cannot tell you what you are doing wrong (or right), but I can tell you three simple things you should do in order to facilitate a good lift.
1) Make sure the bar starts out touching your shins.
2) Pull straight up, transferring the weight to your lower back simultaneous to you squeezing your ass together and straightening your legs.
3) Keep your back flat while sticking your ass out.
I can also pass on this brilliant three part article from the boys at T-Nation.
Part I:
Part II:
Part III:
Squat heavy, low, and determined. Not necessarily slow, but don't rush. For the longest time, Zoidberg dropped to what he assumed was essentially parallel. FUCKING WRONG. Parallel is obvious, I just refused to acknowledge truly how painful and deep parallel truly is. ButAss, squat down until you abs are laying on your quads...go below parallel...touch your ass to the ground. Shelve the ego for a while and just squat so low that you feel like you are dropping a load in China. You'll be better off. The gym is full of guys loading up the rack with 315 who go down 30-45 degrees.
Be the guy that squats 185 until his ass touches the ground. You'll be 10 times stronger.
Step-up involves grabbing a steady platform (I use the aerobics platform with 6-7 of those blocks under it, every gym is different though). The idea is that you want to put one leg up and have the bottom of your thigh be parallel with the ground. This is usually somewhere around 15-20 inches. Anyway, load up the barbell and just take turns stepping up, one leg at a time, making sure to fully step up and contract the leg before bringing the other leg to the platform.
It will surely kill you.
Start with dumbbells until you get the form down.
Good luck ButAss, murder some people on the rugby field for me.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Booze Review: Michter's US1 Bourbon
This very welcome addition and quick disappearance from my cabinet came courtesy of my Grandmother. You all should stop for a moment and realize what a wonderful world I must live in where my Grandmother gives me tasty bourbon for Christmas. Gramses hails from Brooklyn, land of Hasidic Jews, honking, and bitter NY Mets fans. Gramses has a history of enjoying the Johnny Walker Red, something I am not sure I get on boat with. However, her steadfast determination in drinking a brown in an Italian family whose sole purpose in life is to live and breath gin is a feat indeed.
At some point, Gramses decided it would be totally acceptable to give her grandson booze, and I am glad this realization took place. I can however, imagine the brief moral dilemma that occurred to her while considering the notion. Which makes me think that another relative (probably by uncle) then reaffirmed that such a gift would be totally OK because as we all know I am a drunkard.
Michter's defies all research attempts, which means that I could not find it using google. What information I can find mentions that this magical pot-stilled sour mash, straight bourbon was distilled at Michter's Distillery in Schaefferstown, Pennsylvania.
Pennsylvania?
Whatever.
Michter's Distillery was established in 1753. Until it's closing in 1992, it was the oldest operating distillery in America. Bourbon County wasn't even formed until 1785. At that time, it was still part of Virginia, and was named to honor the Royal French Family. The former Fayette County was a major "hub", as it were, for distilled spirits travelling on the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers. These barrels were stamped with the county name, thus coupling it with the lovely amber nectar. (Information via Straight Bourbon)
Like this, only not single barrel
Michter proudly mentions on the label that this is an American unblended whiskey, not a bourbon. Though he mentions it is aged for 10 years in a white-oak barrel...so I am a bit unclear how he makes that claim other than being 80% corn...to me that is still a bourbon.
The bourbon itself was truly a delicious feat. The nose gave no hint of a very sweet beverage, but the initial taste revealed this whiskey was distinctly more comprised of corn that your average bourbon. The direct and uncomplex sweetness is mellowed out almost immediately by the organic woodiness of the aging process. The overall impression of this whiskey is very syrupy and honey-like, but not so much as to overpower the palate. I would say that this sweetness mirrors Jefferson Reserve very closely, but Michter has a rougher edge that conveys their pot distillation. Reminds me of something Grandma would make.
At some point, Gramses decided it would be totally acceptable to give her grandson booze, and I am glad this realization took place. I can however, imagine the brief moral dilemma that occurred to her while considering the notion. Which makes me think that another relative (probably by uncle) then reaffirmed that such a gift would be totally OK because as we all know I am a drunkard.
Michter's defies all research attempts, which means that I could not find it using google. What information I can find mentions that this magical pot-stilled sour mash, straight bourbon was distilled at Michter's Distillery in Schaefferstown, Pennsylvania.
Pennsylvania?
Whatever.
Michter's Distillery was established in 1753. Until it's closing in 1992, it was the oldest operating distillery in America. Bourbon County wasn't even formed until 1785. At that time, it was still part of Virginia, and was named to honor the Royal French Family. The former Fayette County was a major "hub", as it were, for distilled spirits travelling on the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers. These barrels were stamped with the county name, thus coupling it with the lovely amber nectar. (Information via Straight Bourbon)
Like this, only not single barrelMichter proudly mentions on the label that this is an American unblended whiskey, not a bourbon. Though he mentions it is aged for 10 years in a white-oak barrel...so I am a bit unclear how he makes that claim other than being 80% corn...to me that is still a bourbon.
The bourbon itself was truly a delicious feat. The nose gave no hint of a very sweet beverage, but the initial taste revealed this whiskey was distinctly more comprised of corn that your average bourbon. The direct and uncomplex sweetness is mellowed out almost immediately by the organic woodiness of the aging process. The overall impression of this whiskey is very syrupy and honey-like, but not so much as to overpower the palate. I would say that this sweetness mirrors Jefferson Reserve very closely, but Michter has a rougher edge that conveys their pot distillation. Reminds me of something Grandma would make.
Fraptious Day
It is a sad day. Last night I came to the horrid realization that the rotator cuff is truly, honest to god, 100% injured, whereas previously I thought I had a mild tweak. Constant bull-headed aggravation has lead a minor injury into one that needs to rest for a considerable length of time. This realization precludes the awful truth that I need to take a complete 1 - 2 months off chest, back, and shoulders.
This is a crippling fact.
But it is either that, or suffer a debilitating injury that will hinder me the rest of my life. I'll go ahead and stop the whining now, because it is starting to piss me off. The trick now is to devise a workout plan that won't let me shrivel into the 170 lb stick I was about a year ago. The lynch-pin here is intervals.
If I start erging 10k a day, 5 days a week, by April I will have lost just about 50% of the gains I have made in the past 9 months. But if I keep the erg workouts short and explosive, I should stay in a primarily anaerobic zone. It won't be perfect, but with the addition of two leg days a week and some lighter arms, I should stave off looking like an Ethiopian for a while yet.
Here is a tentative plan, that I think all those who are healing from lingering upper body injuries should use, because I am a fucking fitness genius.
Sunday ------------------Heavy Legs: Squat, Deadlift, Step-up
Monday---------- 8 x 500 @ Anaerobic max, 2:30 off, r20-24
Tuesday--- 4k light, r20-22. Hammies: Lunges, Stiff-leg Deadlift
Wednesday--Light- moderate weight isolated arms. Slow reps
Thursday-------- 8 x 500 @ Anaerobic max, 2:30 off, r20-24
Friday -------4 x 1000 @ Anaerobic threshhold, 3:30 off, r20-24
Saturday -----------------I toil not.
This is a crippling fact.
But it is either that, or suffer a debilitating injury that will hinder me the rest of my life. I'll go ahead and stop the whining now, because it is starting to piss me off. The trick now is to devise a workout plan that won't let me shrivel into the 170 lb stick I was about a year ago. The lynch-pin here is intervals.
If I start erging 10k a day, 5 days a week, by April I will have lost just about 50% of the gains I have made in the past 9 months. But if I keep the erg workouts short and explosive, I should stay in a primarily anaerobic zone. It won't be perfect, but with the addition of two leg days a week and some lighter arms, I should stave off looking like an Ethiopian for a while yet.
Here is a tentative plan, that I think all those who are healing from lingering upper body injuries should use, because I am a fucking fitness genius.
Sunday ------------------Heavy Legs: Squat, Deadlift, Step-up
Monday---------- 8 x 500 @ Anaerobic max, 2:30 off, r20-24
Tuesday--- 4k light, r20-22. Hammies: Lunges, Stiff-leg Deadlift
Wednesday--Light- moderate weight isolated arms. Slow reps
Thursday-------- 8 x 500 @ Anaerobic max, 2:30 off, r20-24
Friday -------4 x 1000 @ Anaerobic threshhold, 3:30 off, r20-24
Saturday -----------------I toil not.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Stupid Traineo Retard Wednesday
It is time for another rendition of stupid traineo retards. Fear not, the time of New Years Resolutionerz is still at hand, and the message boards of traineo are rife with confused idiots. It is my job and right as an American to point them out and laugh at their misfortune and misplaced confidence. Even if it is just me that is laughing.
____________________________________________________________________
Seriously, what's up with everyone getting debilitating knee injuries? Every other thread on this board is some whine-fest about how some 300-lb monstrosity tore out his ACL walking on the treadmill at 3 mph. Anyway, Jeff Bristow adds this pearly gem of wisdom
"If you are able to get a Gym membership maybe you could use the rowing machine to get some cardio in using your upper body."
...
Rowing is an upper body workout???
____________________________________________________________________
Our next misguided simpleton is completely befuddled by the fact that 10 minutes on an elliptical at low resistance could not get his heart rate above 100. What a shocker.
"After 10 minutes of warmup, I checked my heart rate, barely over 100...WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I've checked another machine's heart rate, same thing.
THe bottom line is that for 25 minutes, I could NOT get my heart rate to 125 which is where I like to keep it for a really good sweat..."
...
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
____________________________________________________________________
Monique is apparently an alien who doesn't require sugar to power her cells. She subsists on the tears of babies...babies crying at the sight of her.
"I also find that making little bets with my husband helps me to have more self control. For example, we used to have a deal that if I didn't eat sugar at all for two weeks at a time, he'd buy me a new book of my choice (I love to read). "
____________________________________________________________________
Stephen doesn't just love to run....he loves while he runs.
"I have started to find my hands throb when I finish well from about the 50 minute mark and although its not painful its a wierd sensation I was wondering if anyone has experience of this before I bother a Doc."
____________________________________________________________________
Release the Hounds, unsatisfied with the fact that he has no real-life friends, asks his internet buddies to jiggle his junk and congratulate him in running 3.1 miles in 36 minutes.
"...but I feel the need for just a bit of self-congratulation. I'm currently living a very hermit-ish lifestyle. All my close friends are spread across the country and I'm keeping my fitness kick a secret from them until I go on a cross country trip in a few months and can exhibit my new body in person. But enough with the introduction...
Today, I ran my first 5k! Ever!
(OK, OK, it was on the treadmill and it was at the blazing speed of 5mph/36 minutes, but still..) "
____________________________________________________________________
Ahhhh Cliff.
Cliff wants to let people know that he could bench 225 (+, whatever that means) if he wanted to impress people, but ya know, he isn't in it for the ladies. Apparently he feels much better benching 125 lbs 18 times than he ever could benching 225 lbs, probably due to the fact that his single, half-way rep at 225 often falls on his face, mashing his face into oblivion.
Remind me to promptly stop lifting any heavy weight, as I probably can't master the "execution." Ronnie Coleman certainly got to his current stature by repeatedly curling 15lbs over the course of 7 hours.
This type of exercise is perfectly well and good if you want to end up looking like Lance Armstrong, but something about "Clifford Chinnn" makes me think that he is lacking the specific components in his exercise regime to ever achieve that goal.
"I can easily bench 225+ if I want to impress people, but since I don't care to, right now I'm repping 125-150 which could seem light to me (I come from a background of pretty intense lifting in the oh-so-distant past) but I could care less; at the end of my workout I've probably pushed myself a lot further at 150 than I would have at 225 since I could focus on proper execution.
You'd be amazed at how good a workout you can get doing arm curls with 15 lbs if you:
a) control the weights on the way up and down (I go 3 counts up and 3 counts down for each rep on curls)
b) force yourself to maintain proper form (no swinging your shoulders or trying to find momentum to carry the weight up)."
____________________________________________________________________
Seriously, what's up with everyone getting debilitating knee injuries? Every other thread on this board is some whine-fest about how some 300-lb monstrosity tore out his ACL walking on the treadmill at 3 mph. Anyway, Jeff Bristow adds this pearly gem of wisdom
"If you are able to get a Gym membership maybe you could use the rowing machine to get some cardio in using your upper body."...
Rowing is an upper body workout???
____________________________________________________________________
Our next misguided simpleton is completely befuddled by the fact that 10 minutes on an elliptical at low resistance could not get his heart rate above 100. What a shocker.
"After 10 minutes of warmup, I checked my heart rate, barely over 100...WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I've checked another machine's heart rate, same thing.THe bottom line is that for 25 minutes, I could NOT get my heart rate to 125 which is where I like to keep it for a really good sweat..."
...
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
____________________________________________________________________
Monique is apparently an alien who doesn't require sugar to power her cells. She subsists on the tears of babies...babies crying at the sight of her.
"I also find that making little bets with my husband helps me to have more self control. For example, we used to have a deal that if I didn't eat sugar at all for two weeks at a time, he'd buy me a new book of my choice (I love to read). "
____________________________________________________________________
Stephen doesn't just love to run....he loves while he runs.
"I have started to find my hands throb when I finish well from about the 50 minute mark and although its not painful its a wierd sensation I was wondering if anyone has experience of this before I bother a Doc."____________________________________________________________________
Release the Hounds, unsatisfied with the fact that he has no real-life friends, asks his internet buddies to jiggle his junk and congratulate him in running 3.1 miles in 36 minutes.
"...but I feel the need for just a bit of self-congratulation. I'm currently living a very hermit-ish lifestyle. All my close friends are spread across the country and I'm keeping my fitness kick a secret from them until I go on a cross country trip in a few months and can exhibit my new body in person. But enough with the introduction...
Today, I ran my first 5k! Ever!
(OK, OK, it was on the treadmill and it was at the blazing speed of 5mph/36 minutes, but still..) "
____________________________________________________________________
Ahhhh Cliff.
Cliff wants to let people know that he could bench 225 (+, whatever that means) if he wanted to impress people, but ya know, he isn't in it for the ladies. Apparently he feels much better benching 125 lbs 18 times than he ever could benching 225 lbs, probably due to the fact that his single, half-way rep at 225 often falls on his face, mashing his face into oblivion.
Remind me to promptly stop lifting any heavy weight, as I probably can't master the "execution." Ronnie Coleman certainly got to his current stature by repeatedly curling 15lbs over the course of 7 hours.
This type of exercise is perfectly well and good if you want to end up looking like Lance Armstrong, but something about "Clifford Chinnn" makes me think that he is lacking the specific components in his exercise regime to ever achieve that goal.
"I can easily bench 225+ if I want to impress people, but since I don't care to, right now I'm repping 125-150 which could seem light to me (I come from a background of pretty intense lifting in the oh-so-distant past) but I could care less; at the end of my workout I've probably pushed myself a lot further at 150 than I would have at 225 since I could focus on proper execution.
You'd be amazed at how good a workout you can get doing arm curls with 15 lbs if you:
a) control the weights on the way up and down (I go 3 counts up and 3 counts down for each rep on curls)
b) force yourself to maintain proper form (no swinging your shoulders or trying to find momentum to carry the weight up)."
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Stupid Traineo Retard Wednesdays
From the depths of the fitness abyss comes the first installment of the sham that is traineo. Zoidberg has hinted at past rants about this cesspool of self congratulatory circle-jerkers, but without evidence to back up the negative adjectives I so willingly thrust upon you, I am no better than them. Suffice it to say, most of my rants about the ineffectiveness of certain exercise regimens, diet fads, and neurological foibles stem 100% from the idiots that cavort about traineo. They lay heaps of praise on those who manage to run a mile in 14 minutes, or bench 85 lbs.
This excerpt is only a minor mistake, but it hints at two things that bother me on a core level.
1) The use of science as a metaphor. Science is not a metaphor, it is objective fact based on observation, theory, and proof.
2) The attack on my wondersubstance, caffeine.
___________________________________________________________________
HOW TO AVOID THE 10 WORD ENERGY ZAPPERS
I'll summarize what that woman said:
_______________________________________________________________
3. Caffeine. I'm sorry, but caffeine is the big lie. Don't hate me. It's simply the laws of physics. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Caffeine follows this law. Initially you will see a kick of energy from caffeine, but everyone pays the price later in terms of tiredness, insomnia, or irritability. This is obviously a personal choice, but there are many, including myself, who have improved their life by eliminating or decreasing their caffeine intake. Here is an article with both pros and cons to help you decide if you want to kick the caffiene habit.
________________________________________________________________
I always love it when stupid stupid people try and apply scientific theory to very specific, and completely unrelated circumstances. What this waste of life is trying to do is compare the consumption of caffeine to Newton's third law, which states:
"If a body impinge upon another, and by its force change the motion of the other, that body also (because of the equality of the mutual pressure) will undergo an equal change, in its own motion, toward the contrary part" (thanks wiki)
Now, besides the fact that Newtons 3rd law has been disproven, this comparison doesn't make any sense the way she uses it. The correct interpretation of this law with regards to caffeine statement would be, "energy provided to your body from the chemical absportion and utilization of caffeine is then used by your body to reconsitute and form molecules of caffeine."
In short, you are fucking wrong you lump of congealed grease.
What this female Hulkster meant to say was that caffeine follows the first law of thermodynamics, which states:
"for a thermodynamic cycle the sum of net heat supplied to the system and the net work done by the system is equal to zero. Or, energy cannot be created or destroyed; rather, the amount of energy lost in a steady state process cannot be greater than the amount of energy gained." (again, thanks wiki)
So this would mean that caffeine provides chemical energy to your body, but such energy is not created, merely exchanged through a variety of other biological processes and sooner or later this net expenditure of energy will require more energy uptake in order to balance the equation (like food). So, caffeine will spike your energy level but will require you to consume more energy in order to pay for this increase.
She is once again wrong in assuming that this will immediately manifest itself in the form of tiredness, insomnia, and irritability. These characteristics will only appear if you fail to ingest more energy to account for the fact that your body is running at a deficit (maybe). So as long as you drink a moderate amount of coffee, and eat well, nothing bad will every fucking happen.
This excerpt is only a minor mistake, but it hints at two things that bother me on a core level.
1) The use of science as a metaphor. Science is not a metaphor, it is objective fact based on observation, theory, and proof.
2) The attack on my wondersubstance, caffeine.
___________________________________________________________________
HOW TO AVOID THE 10 WORD ENERGY ZAPPERS
I'll summarize what that woman said:
_______________________________________________________________
3. Caffeine. I'm sorry, but caffeine is the big lie. Don't hate me. It's simply the laws of physics. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Caffeine follows this law. Initially you will see a kick of energy from caffeine, but everyone pays the price later in terms of tiredness, insomnia, or irritability. This is obviously a personal choice, but there are many, including myself, who have improved their life by eliminating or decreasing their caffeine intake. Here is an article with both pros and cons to help you decide if you want to kick the caffiene habit.
________________________________________________________________
I always love it when stupid stupid people try and apply scientific theory to very specific, and completely unrelated circumstances. What this waste of life is trying to do is compare the consumption of caffeine to Newton's third law, which states:
"If a body impinge upon another, and by its force change the motion of the other, that body also (because of the equality of the mutual pressure) will undergo an equal change, in its own motion, toward the contrary part" (thanks wiki)
Now, besides the fact that Newtons 3rd law has been disproven, this comparison doesn't make any sense the way she uses it. The correct interpretation of this law with regards to caffeine statement would be, "energy provided to your body from the chemical absportion and utilization of caffeine is then used by your body to reconsitute and form molecules of caffeine."
In short, you are fucking wrong you lump of congealed grease.
What this female Hulkster meant to say was that caffeine follows the first law of thermodynamics, which states:
"for a thermodynamic cycle the sum of net heat supplied to the system and the net work done by the system is equal to zero. Or, energy cannot be created or destroyed; rather, the amount of energy lost in a steady state process cannot be greater than the amount of energy gained." (again, thanks wiki)
So this would mean that caffeine provides chemical energy to your body, but such energy is not created, merely exchanged through a variety of other biological processes and sooner or later this net expenditure of energy will require more energy uptake in order to balance the equation (like food). So, caffeine will spike your energy level but will require you to consume more energy in order to pay for this increase.
She is once again wrong in assuming that this will immediately manifest itself in the form of tiredness, insomnia, and irritability. These characteristics will only appear if you fail to ingest more energy to account for the fact that your body is running at a deficit (maybe). So as long as you drink a moderate amount of coffee, and eat well, nothing bad will every fucking happen.
Monday, January 14, 2008
This Machine is Useless
Often times, Zoidberg reads snippets of comedic gold such as this:
____________________________________________________________________
"So, I can do 4 miles on the elliptical machine now with zero problem.
Because I was so impressed with myself, I decided to give the treadmill a go for the first time.
I was totally gassed at .3 miles!
Are you really burning as many calories as it tells you on the elliptical machine I wonder?"
____________________________________________________________________
Hmm...thats a tough one Copernicus. One must approach all machines with reticence as the formulas they employ to compute how much lard you are vaporizing is largely nothing more than a conglomeration of simple math pieced together by a marketing department to make your minute effort compare directly to the competition (which is another elliptical, not another person).
I actually spoke with a Precor rep who was installing the latest set mechanical contraptions on our base gym and I asked him how each machine calculates an accurate figure of energy output. His verbatim response was:
"Sheeeeit...I can put basically anything up in there and have it spit out whatever you want to see. Hell, I can have you on there burning a thousand calories in 5 minutes. The only true indicator of effort is exhaustion, not what the numbers say."
True that.
Let me go out on a limb here and say that if you are covering 4 miles on an elliptical "no problem" then your level of exertion is somewhere between nail clipping and enjoying a wet fart.
Through my endless search of the vast tract of internet knowledge (wikipedia) I have been unable to unearth how a single elliptical manages to calculate wattage or calories burnt. All I get is a myriad of sites designed to tell you how many calories you burn by chugging away on this malfeasance based on your body weight. The figures (per 60 minutes, 150lb body weight) range from the believable (600 calories) to the celestially hopeful (1000 calories).
Far be it from me to suggest the uselessness of this medieval apparatus, but what the fuck ever happened to this?
The simple truth is that the elliptical is yet another macrocosm of the axiom that envelops the health community like a steadily congealing aorta. I want to do easier exercise, for less time and effort, and get more.Unfortunately, exercise is a bastard of an exponential ratio where effort in always supercedes results out. You cannot be a second hander, leech, or parasite and expect to achieve a high level of fitness. There is no one from whom you can steal effort and expect to evolve as Arnold's iPod jockeying clone.
Let us objectively examine the facts of the matter. The elliptical, despite it's lack of efficacy, is a form of exercise. If you park your ass on it 5 days a week for 45 minutes a go, you will achieve some level of weight loss. However, since your level of input while flailing about is at best the rough equivalent of a slow jog, expect your gains to plateau quite early. At this point, you will have to seek a more efficient form of exercise that will allow you to expend more watts. As a double whammy, the more you elliptical you will presumably lose weight and the amount of energy expenditure your body forfeits will gradually decrease.
At this point, you will probably need to graduate to the mother of all exercises, the shogun of sorrow, the deliverer of hate...
50 calories per 90 seconds at maximal effort.
In summary, you need to set realistic goals for what you can expect out of an elliptical. You can practice your dumbbell weights constantly, but if you are spending all your time with 30 pounders, there is only so far you can go.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Booze Review - Jefferson Reserve 15yr
Over my two-week hiatus from my job surfing the internet, I had the wondrous duty to sample what I now believe fills in the missing gap of bourbons. Indeed, this homo habilis of delicious bourbon fits into a nice price gap that I had a great deal sorting out. Let me reference this list here to help elucidate my problem.
List of Tasty Bourbons to Have Neat, best value for your dollar:
Best $10.00 - $15.00 Bourbon : W.L. Weller
Best $15.00 - $20.00 Bourbon : Sam Houston 10 yr.
Best $20.00 - $27.00 Bourbon : Eagle Rare 10 yr.
Best $27.00 - $40.00 Bourbon : Basil Hayden 8 yr.
Best $40.00 - $60.00 Bourbon : Who the hell knows?
Best >$60.00 Bourbon: Pappy Van Winkle 20 yr.
So as you can see, the market is filled with a surfeit of bourbons at the lower and upper end of the spectrum which fit the bill nicely. However, there is nothing to fill the taste gap between the simple yet satisfying modestly priced bourbons and the upper end of the spectrum. That is, unless you count such rotgut as Bakers, Bookers, or that ridiculously overpriced Blantons.
Problem solved by the wondrous sweet complexity that is Jefferson Reserve. JR comes from the same distillery that makes Sam Houston, McClaine (not from Die Hard) and Kyne. Son Trey and dad Chet (whoa...) are part of a growing trend among bourbon distillers to start selling "ultra small batch" bourbons, something that I am sure is pure and utter BS. Regardless, their bourbons are unbelievably fantastic, so I could care less how they choose to make or market it.
Anyway, JR 15 year sells for about $55.00 at your local ABC store, maybe less across the
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